Posted by Klem Johansen The major cable news networks happily devour each new release, playing the ratings-friendly gems non-stop for hours on end. CNN interrupted a speech by the President over the weekend to debut "Giuliani Girl" - much to the delight of network executives and pubescent boys everywhere, proving once again the primary rule of modern political strategy: bonders speak louder than words. Obama was off to an early lead a few months ago and was soon followed by Hillary's entry (bonus points for the implied lesbian angle). Now that Republicans have entered the lipstick-strewn field of play, it appears that slutty, non-sanctioned clips have become de regur. As a matter of fact, the lack of a trashy campaign video has been blamed for the recent fundraising drop-off for anti-war Republican Ron Paul. John Edwards, similarly lacking in this regard, reportedly offered to make his own risque music video a few days ago, but key advisors wisely talked him out of the idea. Much like attempting to pick one's own nickname, that's just not how it works. Then again, as the best-looking candidate on the stump, Edwards has nothing to worry about. At this very moment there are dozens, if not hundreds, of young, emotionally-damaged women editing their fleshy YouTube odes to this meticulously coiffured Carolinian. For the rest of the field, however, the outlook is nearly as grim as their visages. If something doesn't happen soon, many of the fringe candidates who have done their part to keep top tier candidates honest during the debates could be frozen out of the process well before Iowa or New Hampshire head to the polls. Thankfully, a 39-year-old Ohio man known only as KuciniBoy has come to the rescue in the form of a particularly disturbing YouTube clip supporting Congressman Dennis Kucinich: [Morbidly obese man with a neckbeard, ties his shirt tails to expose his overlapping belly] Edwards is a stuffed shirt *makes tiny circles around nipples* *humps desk* boop-boop-e-doop! For years America's young women have said "I hate my dad" with a drunken, breast-baring appearance in the Girls Gone Wild series of videos. But what good will that do if Pops never sees it? On the other hand, producing an awkward semi-porn video devoted to the candidate of your choice (or at least one that hasn't been chosen yet) is a great way to hit the old man where he lives: the news. Moments after you click YouTube's Submit button, your delightfully shameful display will be plastered all over CNN, MSNBC and Fox News like an inescapable vortex of familial humiliation. That'll teach the bastard for feeding you and clothing you all those years. Certainly, the Slut Primary is about something much larger than just one man's somewhat fruitless quest for the White House. By encouraging attractive apolitical women, and those who enjoy looking at attracting apolitical women, to participate in the electoral process, this new pre-primary primary has opened up representative democracy to a whole new generation of people who may have thought the prospect of developing an opinion and driving four blocks to the nearest polling place was beyond their reach. "We used to scratch our heads and ask newspaper editorialists whom we should vote for," said CNN political analyst Jeff Greenfield. "Then we asked celebrities, T-shirts, bumper-stickers and poorly produced web-comics. Now we're down to asking random Internet babes with no real interest in politics other than as an opportunity to shake their bits and pieces in the national limelight. As far as I see it, this is just the next logical step in democracy, abdicating our decision-making responsibilities to young women who probably aren't old enough to vote or have no intention of voting themselves. This truly is the greatest country on earth."
on July 17, 2007, 9:08 pm
24.165.171.1
A decade ago, the first real test of a Presidential campaign prior to the primary season was the intense period of fundraising and organization known as the "Money Primary." Then came the obligatory parade of celebrity endorsements known as the "Hollywood Primary." Now that the pre-primary season has stretched backward more than half a year before a single vote is cast, a new test has emerged to separate the real contenders from the perennial also-rans. Thanks to YouTube, America now has the "Slut Primary," a contest in which unhinged, attention-starved young ladies post videos of themselves squirming around in tight clothing extolling the virtues of their chosen candidate.
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Hillary is such a b###h
Obama's an empty flirt
but I want YOU Kucinich!
Take off your tie, don't be such a prat
So one question for you, sweetie...
Does the rest of you lean left like that?
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