[ Post a Response | Celeste's Magickal Witches Cottage ]
Posted by JadeWolf on 26/6/2008, 3:32 pm, in reply to "Re: I need help please"
24.17.132.36
First thing, Crystal, I'd like to steal that F.E.A.R. explanation, that was great.
Secondly, as Crystal said we all have our dark sides. Mine's a little louder than usual, but that just makes it easier to control. Let me give you an example, and it's a fairly raw one.
When I was very young, I had a very odd experience. I was always the outcast kind of kid in school, mostly because I didn't do very well with the academics (an undiagnosed learning disorder that has since been taken care of). I used to get into a lot of fights, and since I was big and a natural martial artist, I usually won. It was around this time that bullies started coming at me in groups. The first time, I was jumped by no less than four other kids (might have been five, when I came back to myself there were only four there). When they attacked me, I blacked out. I was told later that I started growling at them, and no matter how hard they hit me I wouldn't go down, I just kept fighting. This is something that runs in my family, a psychological condition that is hereditary in some lines of scandinavian descent, called berzrkrgangr, literally going berzerk. My conscious mind shut down and my body took over. Luckily, "no killing" was so ingrained into my character that I only injured them, but losing control like that scared the crap out of me. I started doing my research, and found out that the gangr does in fact run in my family, and that it dates back to the old Norse days, when the berzerkers would work themselves into a frenzy before battle.
I didn't know what to do about it, so I asked a friend for advice. She recommended I take up Buddhist meditation, and meditate on what the gangr actually is to me, and how I can control it. I did this for a number of years, and still do. I've learned that my gangr gets hot when I'm in an inescapable situation, or truly angry. Toward that end, I learned to control my anger, and I learned both martial arts and diplomacy, to keep myself out of an inescapable situation. I also learned that I had a choice, either let this ability be something bad that crops up now and again, or turn it toward good use. Now I can control the gangr, I can keep myself conscious, and I can guide my actions even when my conscious mind starts to shut down. I call this "letting the wolf out", because one of the personifications I placed on that aspect of my personality was a wolf, my spirit guide and totem.
The moral of this story, though, is that I learned what it was, how I do it, and most importantly, how to control it. I can still get angry, but I know how to control my anger, and if it overwhelms me, I know how to control the gangr. If I had ignored it, it's very possible I could have grown up differently, probably a much more negative person. Once you accept that you have a dark side, and you face it head on, things become much easier.
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