Posted by jan
on June 13, 2008, 6:16 pm, in reply to "Re: My journal"
72.175.195.121
Dear Patti,
You ask what the pain is like now, and if my heart still feels as if it were only yesterday. The truth is that it sometimes feels as if it were only yesterday... like on her birthday, or on her memorial day... and other times it feels as though she was never really here, that my memories aren't real and it was all a dream.
But most of the time, it's just really really lonely. I've become more aware of how temporary this life here truly is, and when things with my husband go haywire (like they do more and more with his drinking problem), I don't get nearly as desperate for an answer, because I know this is all just "for a while". I look back over the last nine years and it seems impossible that this much time has already passed by. I look at my parents and realize just how much they've aged since Lora left us... and I think to myself, "Soon that will be me, and it will be 'almost time' to see her again."
So I try to rescue each day by doing at least "one thing" that will matter for eternity. Yesterday my cleaning lady and I had a deep conversation about salvation, about the Lord, about eternity. We talked over an hour, and here she has never read the Bible or thought through some of the things she's been believing about life and death and God. So yesterday I did something that matters. And you know about my work on behalf of the two families I help in the Philippines, so that's work that matters. Today? Today I can't say (yet) that I've done anything of worth... but then, the day isn't over.
Trust me, Patti, in the beginning, time drags on and on, the pain seems to never let up except for brief moments, and you wonder how you'll ever survive another week, month, year... and then one day you look back and realize you've already "done" 9 years and are that much closer to being reunited for eternity. You'll also realize when you look back that there are so many people you care about who are no closer to believing in the Lord than they were before, and that both worries and saddens you. But if there's one thing this grief teaches you, it's that you aren't God and can't make things happen the way you would want. There is a heaven.... but this sure isn't it.
This life is much MUCH more like the months I spent in boot camp for the Air Force--relentless testing, pushing myself to accomplish things that only a month before would have seemed impossible to me. Boot camp was like an uphill battle every single day, with only brief glimpses of rest, an occasional laugh along the way. Pretty grueling. But at the END of it all--oh, the sense of pride in myself for not giving up, and for accomplishing all those "impossible" things. And I remind myself of that on the days now when I think I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again.
Hope I haven't depressed you further. As you know, I believe in being honest and forthright, even when it's uncomfortable. I know in my heart that my work here isn't done yet, and so I continue with my hand to the plow. Once I'm truly "Home", I'll be glad I did, I'm sure.
Day at a time, dear sister. Day at a time. Keep holding onto Jesus ((hugs))
~ jan
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