Posted by Patti
on February 18, 2009, 6:17 pm
76.202.9.214
Before Bobby died, I would have thought something was very mentally unstable with a person that would walk the floor and sob out loud for three years, but that is me today. Of course, I have good days now and then, but today has been one of those very rough days where there is actually a deep physical pain in my body that throbs and hurts in my chest all day for Bobby. I started crying around lunch time, and here it is 6:00 and I am still crying and upset. Luckily, no one is home to see me or worry about me.
I just want my Bobby. I want to touch him, talk to him, have him talk to me. Where is he? Why is he gone? Why can't I see him right now? Why did this happen to me? Did I do something so wrong that God did this to me? Is it what I deserve? I hate death - the pain is more than I can bear and there is no solution - nothing can be done to undo death. It is the ultimate hurt. The ultimate punishment.
I had a dream about Bobby earlier this week that was very disturbing. He was lying curled
up in the floor and he was dead, but he was talking. I don't know what he was saying, all I knew was that he was dead, but talking to me. I kept thinking in my dream that someone was coming to take him away from me but I needed to talk to him and couldn't understand what he was saying. What a stupid, stupid dream. All of my previous dreams about Bobby have always been so very wonderful, just like he was really visiting me, but this one left me unsettled.
Thank each one of you for all of your constant love and support. I love each one of you dearly. I suffer along with you knowing exactly what your hearts and minds are feeling, and someday years from today when our pain is not so fresh and new, we will remember these dear friendships that helped us get through these horrible times. No one knows all the pain that I feel except for you guys. I don't show it to anyone else - not even my husband and daughter. They see it sometimes and I am sure they suspect, but I don't express it to them in words - maybe I should.
Love,
Patti
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