Posted by jan
on May 18, 2009, 5:10 pm
69.146.98.201
... was the last time I talked with Lora, her wishing me a happy b-day. Then 4 short days later, she was gone.
I had a major meltdown today on my way to the therapist (yes, I'm still going to the counselor that does EMDR treatments). And today, for the first time, we dealt with the pain of May 22, 1999. She has me tell her, on a scale of 0 to 10 (zero being no emotion at all, 10 being the worst), where my pain is at... today it was at 20. And it was the first session where I actually got mad at her a few times, and told her so.. she told me that often moms feel they cannot give up their pain as to do so somehow feels they are being disloyal to their child or means that they didn't truly love their child. I know what she's saying, as I've seen this happen to every grieving mom in the early years ... but I do know that I've also been able to reminisce about happy times with Lora, and really revel in those memories.
So today I relived that fateful night/day 10 years ago, and while I never really understand how it works, I can honestly say I feel as though a weight has lifted from my heart. No, it's not "all gone"... but it *is* better, and I'm grateful.
Anyway... today is my 56th b-day, and while one year we had SNOW on my bday (can you believe that??), today it's 82 degrees and rising. Think I'll go sit in the sunshine and get some Vitamin D ((hugs)) to all -- jan
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