(Vanessa): Well Hans doesn’t know a thing about nuclear anything and he darn sure doesn’t molest kids. Stop getting those stupid magazines in the grocery aisle ma’, they have nothing to do with Hans. Where’s dad I want say hi before I go?
(Mom): He’s in the bathroom with the newspaper. Those prunes just go straight through him, it’s actually really good for him because you know before he couldn’t go, but he’s like clockwork now. And he says its softer now too, not as hard as before…nothing watery like diarrhea but soft enough where he doesn’t have to push so hard. It’s a good thing too because they just raised the price on that hemorrhoid cream and we were getting about a tube a week when he was having those bad flare-ups. The doctor told him to hold back on the spicy food but you know your father, every meal he’s right there with the hot sauce and peppers. God forbid he goes a decent meal with ‘em.
(Vanessa): Ahhh ha. Well it wasn’t so much the full details I needed ma.
(Mom): Oh you’re just young and modest. Wait until you get my age all those things don’t matter so much. I’ve seen more of your father’s skid marks than the lines pained in the street. I’ll bet that Hans puts a pretty good bit of abuse to his undies doesn’t he? You don’t wash his clothes do you?
(Vanessa): Ma’! I am not going to discuss Hans’ underwear with you, of which nothing is ever wrong.
(Mom): Rubbish….you want me to get to know him that’s what I’m doing. I don’t want you being his cleaning woman. He goes and wrestles in those things….. all that flippin’ and floppin’ around he probably can’t help but have an accident all the time.
(Vanessa): Hans does not have accidents ma’.
(Mom): Then he’s hiding something…men can’t help it. Maybe he throws them away. How often does he go shopping? I bet he’s buying new underwear every week. Does he have a maid….one of those little Mexican women? They do that cleaning stuff for cheap you know…they’re glad to get those stains out for a few dollars. Mrs. LaFleur down the street got herself a maid, says she pays her $100 a week. Old Becky’s wearing those Depend diapers you know. I feel sorry for that little Mexican woman, going in there and taking those things to the trash. I heard the woman pees the bed more than it rains in the spring, poor thing…she can’t help it though.
(Vanessa): Hans is the tidiest man I know ma’ it’s one of the things I love about him.
(Mom): You just wait until you see one of his brown buddies left floating in the toilet. We’ll see how tidy he is.
(Vanessa): Brown Buddies? Ma’ where do you come up with this stuff? Can we please talk about something else?
(Mom): Alright….I’m just saying sweetheart you’ve got to look out for those things. What do you want to talk about.
(Vanessa): Well, as I was saying earlier…we’d like to come and visit in a few weeks.
(Mom): I…..I’m just not comfortable with a strange man in the house.
(Vanessa): Hans is not stranger mother, and I’m getting sick of this. Hans is my boyfriend, and he’s a damn good one. He’s the only man in years who has treated me the way I want to be treated, I’m a freaking princess to him.
(Mom): Well you see there….he should be treating you like a Queen.
(Vanessa): Stop it…..you always have to go the extra mile ma’. We’re coming for a visit, and you’re going to have to deal with it. We’ll have a nice dinner and chat and just be like any other normal people. I don’t want you making him feel unwelcomed, I don’t want you saying off-handed German, Hitler, or whatever comments…I don’t want you putting anything in his food… or asking about his bowel movements, pr nonexistent stains in his underwear. He should feel just as at home as I do. I want him to be comfortable.
(Mom): I don’t want to be uncomfortable either you know.
(Vanessa): You want uncomfortable ma’? Hans and I had sex a few nights ago before the ppv. It was amazing…it’s always amazing. He is the most attentive man in bed imaginable. There’s a specific position I like that he does when he grabs me from the waist and ….
(Mom): You cut that out….don’t you sass me young lady. I am your mother and you will respect me. I don’t need to hear about his nasty German habits.
(Vanessa): Respect goes both ways ma’ and I love you to death but you have to respect me too.
(Mom): We’ll here’s your father you talk to him.
She hands the phone over and you can hear here walking away mumbling “Nasty” under her breath.
(Dad): What’s your ma’ all riled up about?
(Vanessa): She’s been on her anti-Hans campaign this morning, and the only way to shut her up was to talk about our sex life.
(Dad): Goodness gracious!
(Vanessa): Don’t worry dad, I’ll spare you the juicy details.
(Dad): Thank heavens, I don’t need to hear all that but I heard your ma’ talking about visiting. I would like to meet the boy finally since Christmas didn’t work out last year.
(Vanessa): I know it’s way over-due. We’re on the road so much, but maybe since he’s lost the title and he’s got less obligations we can swing by.
(Dad): Yeah, terrible business losing that belt to that Ronnie fella. Felt sorry for him.
(Vanessa): Thanks dad. Hans is ok. A bit bruised and sore as expected but he’s ok. He had a nice run, better than most past or present. I’m very proud of him.
(Dad): Well you let us know when you’re commin’ I’ve got some fresh gator in the freezer the Harrion boys caught the other day. I’ll whip up my skewers and show him how we get things done down here.
(Vanessa): He’d love that. Look dad, I’m gonna run…I love you, tell mom I love her even though she’s crazy.
(Dad): Alright sweet-pea, love you too.
(Vanessa): Oh and dad? I’m glad you can poop easier.
(Dad): Glad I can what? Oh…Jesus H. Christ…does that woman have to tell everybody.
Vanessa is laughing.
(Vanessa): Alright dad, I’ll talk to you soon bye.
(Dad): Bye darlin’.
She hangs up the phone and walks back to the bedroom checking in on Hans who is still deep in sleep. She heads back into the living area and turns on TV to see the local news as the scene fades to black.
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