What? Did I forget something? Oh, how silly of me! That's right, I forgot about the most important person of all who resides here at the North Pole - Santa Claus! He's the big fat guy who lives off of chocolate chip cookies, candy canes, gingerbread men, fruitcake and huge, gigantic, humongous glasses... nay, dare I say it? Pitchers of milk! Now Santa Claus wasn't always fat, in fact, he used to be quite the svelte, sophisticated man about town. But poor Santa has Type 2 Diabetes, and the bastard doesn't check his blood sugar, which caused him to balloon up and pack on four hundred pounds of fat, flabby blubber. But it doesn't matter. He's the jolly old fat bastard who loves to have children sit on his lap and tell him what they want for Christmas. - Hmm, that didn't sound quite right. - What I meant to say was, he's the jolly old fat man whose belly shakes like a bowl full of jelly when he laughs. There, much better.
Now, Santa isn't alone up here at the North Pole. After all, it would make for some awful lonely nights. Before he married Mary Christmas, Santa was all alone at the North Pole... only him, a box of Kleenex, a large bottle of generic lubrication oil and a stack of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issues. Thankfully, times have changed, and now Santa uses the internet for what Mrs. Claus won't hook him up with at home. But Mrs. Claus is the woman behind the scenes, she makes sure that Santa is doing the right thing and always working busy throughout the year. Why, even on their vacation, she has him lose his Christmas weight just for a month.. just so he can fit into his reindeer-skin speedo.
Deep within the wood chip layered floor and the smell of sawdust in the air of Santa's Workshop, this is where we find our favorite, fat, frivolous friend Santa. He is leaning over a bench, sanding down a small wooden toy for some lucky boy or girl in some third world country... like Vermont. He turns around just in time as a midget in a very fake-looking elf costume runs by. Santa laughs, his belly shakes like a bowl full of processed strawberry preserves... no wait... like a bowl full of jelly as he now places his small pad of sandpaper down on the workbench right next to the wooden toy.
His eyes twinkle and his rosy red cheeks are alight with glee as he now puts the tiny, thin-lensed glasses over his eyes and then bellows out a merry, cheery "HO HO HO!" causing his belly to quiver and quake. Once could almost see the waves splash back and forth on his massive, cookies and candy cane fed gut. But now is where he speaks... to the delight of billions of wrestling fans sitting on their couches at home.
Santa Claus: Hoooo Hooooooo Hooooooooooo! You know boys and girls, I've been receiving letters from all around the world asking me when I was going to get back into the wrestling business. People have been wondering just where I've been hiding myself ever since my ill-fated time in that small-time regional federation. Naturally, I've been far too busy to reply to any letters, but my Head Elf has been keeping me filled in, while I keep Mrs. Claus filled in. HO HO HO!
Santa laughs again, this time with a small, almost unseen movement of his hips. But you'd have to really look close if you wanted to see it. I mean, really look close... and why the hell would you be looking at Santa's crotch for? You're a sick ####ing person, you know that right? Just plain sick, staring at Santa's junk like that. You should be ashamed of yourself!
Santa: But I came back to the wrestling business right here, where the big boys play.. with themselves. Now I came here because of the talent, and because the owner offered me a generous 30% take of all merchandise sales, and let me tell you, I will be selling the holy hell out of my new Santa merchandise! I've got hats, caps, watches, suits, jackets, the Christmas Championship, bells, trees, beards, boots, Santa's chestnuts, or even special fans can get an autographed replica of Santa's wrinkled Christmas Sack! It makes a great stocking stuffer!
As Santa speaks, all of these items flash on the screen, each with their own individual price, although most seem to range around $19.99 with the obligatory $6.95 shipping and handling. But Santa isn't done yet! He continues to shill his products, along with his special SANTA HOTLINE at 1-999-SANTACLAUS. Finally, as minutes tick away as Santa does his very best Billy Mays (without the cocaine-related death), he finally calms down.
Santa: Now getting back into the swing of things will be tough for your old pal, Santa. I'm a little rusty since leaving that other regional federation, but here, things will be different.
Santa now pulls out his Naughty List and begins to scroll through it. The Naughty List is extremely long, and several long, agonizing minutes pass for the viewers as they watch him go through just the names starting with "A". Finally, he stops his finger at a few names, which has a photo next to each one and he shakes his head... tsk'ing mightily.
Santa: Shame shame! There are quite the naughty little ones here! I see that all of you have been up to some terrible, naughty things. The sex tape that one of you released on the internet was pretty bad, but I see here that one of you even delved into doing the ultimate no-no... you loaned Ric Flair money. Such bad little boys and girls. You're all going to have to be punished, and I'll make sure that you get exactly what's coming to each and every one of you.
Santa removes his big, thick black belt from around his waist and wraps it around his red and black gloved hand. He then clenches his hand, making a fist with the belt wrapped around it. He now scowls seriously... way too serious for a guy dressed up in a Santa costume should be.
Santa: You see, there's no more Mr. Nice Guy. While it might be a decent Alice Cooper song, it's also a stated fact. I'm tired of just giving Naughty people coal for Christmas. Instead, I'm going to give out fistfuls of a coal-covered ass kicking! You're going to realize that you're better off being nice... because I'm Santa Claus, and I know when you've been good or bad... so you'd better be good for goodness sake! HO HO HO!
Santa now suddenly stops scowling and smiles widely, his cheeks turn back to their rosy-red color and he chuckles.
Santa: I'll see you and all of my wonderful fans at the next show. HO HOOO HOOOOOOOO!
Fade to black.
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