Santa sets the Christmas sack full of wood down into the snow and walks in the opened barn door. He sees his favorite reindeer: Blitzen, and he walks over to him and pets his furry, coarse-haired head. The reindeer in turn, nuzzles up into Santa's arm as he pats him. This reindeer Blitzen is a dark brown color, with a mix of light gray in the fur, and thick strong muscles that are visibly seen through the harnessing which is still attached to him, probably from a recent sleigh ride. Santa quickly removes the harness, the bit, and the dull brown leather straps from around the reindeer and grabs the brush next to the wooden pen door. He brushes the reindeer free of any matted hair, burrs and tangles within the fur itself. Once he finishes, he pats the side of the reindeer and smiles. After a little while of Santa's petting and scratching of Blitzen, Santa speaks to his furry friend (finally).
Santa Claus: HO HO HO! How are you doing there, my furry reindeer friend? I see that you've been eating plenty of food this week... so that's a good thing. I was beginning to wonder if you were even ever going to bulk up like the rest of your reindeer brothers. Just keep up the good work and I'll keep giving you your favorite brand of reindeer chow. Now... do you have a joke for your old pal, Santa?
Santa stands there and either pretends to listen... or even worse, actually hears voices from the reindeer. Either way, the guy's off his gourd and will probably wind up going postal one of these days. He lowers his head down towards the reindeer's slobbering maw and "listens" as it does absolutely nothing. Still.. Santa nods to the reindeer and then suddenly bursts out laughing. His belly shakes like a bowl full of jelly... which is actually pretty damn disgusting when you really think about it. I mean... how fat do you have to be to actually have your belly shake like jelly when you laugh? That's pretty freakin' fat.
Santa Claus: Oh Ho Ho Ho! What a great joke. I'll have to tell Mrs. Claus about that one. Just be sure to keep that one to yourself. You know how these other reindeer can get when you start telling those nasty, naughty jokes. They'll be out here saying all kinds of nasty things while I'm trying to impress some of the local North Pole residents. I don't want to be embarrassed like I was last year when Jack Frost showed up for a surprise visit.
Santa now turns and walks down the rest of the pens and pets each reindeer and greets him by name. He runs down every single reindeer's name on the list that everyone has heard a hundred times. He even calls a few some names that you've never heard of. But as he greets the last one, he turns and leaves the barn and picks up his wood filled Christmas Sack and heads towards the small wooden cottage. He stomps through the yard, sending showers of snow flying in all directions as he finally steps up to the front door. Wisely, he remembers what happened the last time he tracked snow, mud and slush into the house.. and needless to say... it wasn't very fun. He couldn't even sit down for more than a week by the time Mrs. Claus finished with him.
Suddenly, Mrs. Claus walks in with a tray of cookies and smiles at him as she lowers the tray into his lap. (please note: Mrs. Claus is currently being played by fill-in actress, and former teen sensation: Debbie Gibson) Thankfully, sitting on top of the tray, is a big ceramic coffee mug filled to the top with hot chocolate and bright, multi-colored red, green, blue and white marshmallows. The festive look of the multi-colored marshmallows just made the hot chocolate taste even better... everyone knows this is true. Naturally, there is a painted picture on the front of the ceramic coffee mug, and it isn't who you think. It isn't Santa, Frosty, or any one of the "entourage" of Season's Beatings (their faction/affiliation's name naturally)... but instead.. the face on the ceramic coffee mug is none other than The Great Pumpkin. Mrs. Claus smiles and takes a seat next to him in another rocking chair and looks over at her husband with his obvious and blatantly fake beard.
Mrs Claus: So dear, what's it going to be this time? Do you have to fight someone else? Remember how worried I was for you on your last match with that evil, wicked Senester? There's just no way I want to see you have to lower yourself to fight someone that nasty again.
Santa nods his head as he chomps away at a giant, over-sized chocolate chip cookie. I'm talking this cookie is ####ing huge, almost the size of his head, that's how huge this cookie is. Santa takes another bite, holds up a white-gloved finger and smiles as he contentedly crunches away. Nothing else can be heard but the crunching sound emitting from his closed mouth (after all, it isn't proper manners to eat with your mouth open.. it's disgusting.. and anyone who does that, should be punched in the genitals).
Santa Claus: Oh I know dear.. I was very worried last time against Senester. I mean, this guy is not only the World Champion, he's a decorated star. In addition, I was very concerned, because as you know, I'm a nice guy who doesn't like to cheat. I prefer to let things just happen in a natural, organic way. I refused to cheat as well, but Senester doesn't have the same kind of moral convictions that I do. Even though he cost me and Mr. Deas the tag team titles in our impromptu title match, I still got one over on him, even if it was because of unwarranted interference by young, brash Mr. Deas.
But back to the man of the next hour, Stuart Price. This young man has been on the Naughty List so long he's tenured. I know that I have a match against Stuart and I'm very concerned about this troubled man. You see, Stuart hasn't been that bad of a guy. He doesn't like people to know it, but Stuart actually went and watched Titanic by himself at the theater so no one would see him cry at the end. He really wanted Jack to survive and not die at the end. The tears he cried were manly tears though, not sissy little girl tears.
But Stuart is the guy that I most want to change. He should be a happy little fellow, but instead, he tries to act like one of those really big, strong, tough guys, when in reality, he's just a scared, skinny, weak little boy. But it's okay, once I show him the true meaning of Christmas... that Christmas lasts all year long, not just in December.. I'm quite positive that he'll change his name to The Head Elf and tour with me when I visit malls. Why.. I bet he'd make a great Chief Elf at the North Pole! He'd whip some of those lazy elves into shape and get my Workshop buzzing again with activity! I'll have to ask him that after our match at Havoc.
Santa now smiles and leans back in the chair, his gigantic, pillow-stuffed Santa jacket bulges out as he places his hands behind his head. He now turns his eyes towards Mrs. Claus and wiggles his thick, white bushy eyebrows at her. Now, with a leer on his face, he asks her a question that he's been dying to ask her all day long.
Santa Claus: So Mary, do you want to lick on Santa's Candy Cane?
Mrs Claus allows a slight impish grin to escape her stone cold! stone cold! stone cold! features as she nods her pretty young face at him. Then as he begins to speak, she slides her hand into his pocket to grab his Candy Cane.
Santa Claus: You always were a dirty little.. HO HOO HOOOOO!!!!!
The scene now slowly pans back towards the fireplace as the scene fades out to snow.
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