It had been an amazing day. Michelle and Sean were at the Beverly Center, for a little shopping and he had treated her to lunch at Crustacean. She was enthralled by the idea of a family restaurant with a separate and secret kitchen with recipes only the family was privy to. He had talked up the garlic noodles and the crab dishes and was super excited for them. She smiled at the glass floor as they entered seeing fish swim by under their feet as the hostess escorted them to their table. Sean had talked about coming once and filling up on just appetizers, and her eyes widened when she opened the menu. $18 for just 4 little wonton?
(Michelle): Sean, are you sure about this?
He laughed looking at her as she browsed the menu, and he was correct in his assumption of her reaction to seeing the prices. She was so adorable.
(Sean): You’re going to have to get used to it at some point. We’re making decent money now Michelle, we can afford to treat ourselves. Let loose!
(Michelle): I know but, look at this salad. $69 for a Lobster Mango Salad? And what do they mean by “half?” They only give you half of a salad and still charge that much?
He laughs again, her innocence was just too cute. The bubble he felt she had lived in growing up hadn’t quite burst, but he had made some holes and it was springing a leak.
(Sean): They just give you the option on the size portion you want. If you get half, you get a nice size and still have room to try other items.
(Michelle): More room maybe, but not more money. I don’t know about this Sean, this is so expensive. I could eat for days off what this cost.
He replies only with a look. That boyish grin on his face, the slight rosiness in his cheeks, she couldn’t help but concede.
(Michelle): Fine, but I’m paying for my own meal.
(Sean): Negative!
Michelle huffs in resignation as she continues to review the menu. As the minutes pass, they order, their starters arrive and as expected…everything was delicious. Sean insisted on the garlic noodles and the crab dish as well for them and as it arrived the aroma was amazing. The crab looked wonderful. Sean dipped his finger in the juice underneath it and with a tilt of his head and raise of the eyebrows gestured for her to give it a try. She followed suit and the flavor explosion on her tongue was incredible.
(Michelle): Oh, my goodness!
(Sean): See, told ya! Come on, let’s dig in, you first.
Sean pushes the plate closer to her, and she takes a whiff of the aroma once more. She had to admit, it was a pretty good meal and she was glad they were treating themselves, or rather he was treating her. She adjusted her napkin and as she reached for the crab it’s eyes suddenly looked up at her. Its legs came to life, and it stood up on the plate a little tinkling noise as its legs tapped the plate. She looked up at Sean who was popping more Salt & Pepper Calamari in his mouth as if he didn’t see anything although looking right at her.
(Sean): It’s good huh?
Her breathing got heavy as she gripped her chair. She was speechless as she looked from the crab on the plate then back at Sean. The crab leaped up from the plate onto her chest, its front claws grabbing her nipples. She was frozen in fear. Then a long tongue slid from its mouth, juices dripping on her breasts as it licked them. The crab looked up at her and spoke.
(Crab): I’m your boyfriend now, Michelle!
Michelle screamed herself awake from the nightmare. She was doused in sweat and grabbed her chest which was heaving heavily. She began crying, drawing the sheets up close to her. The nightmares had continued since Havoc and unfortunately had gotten worse. Perhaps they wouldn’t have been so bad if Sean hadn’t been introducing her to a plethora of movies she’d never seen, but she didn’t blame him for this. A few weeks ago, they had done a Nightmare on Elm Street binge, and this definitely mirrored that experience. She thought of the scene where the Nancy character was answering the phone and Freddy’s tongue came out and licked her ear saying just what the crab just said. What Fallen did to her at Havoc had damaged her in ways she didn’t care to admit, not even to Sean. He was her Freddy Kruger, and she was afraid to sleep because she’d dream about Havoc and him and just wanted it all to stop.
She jumped out of bed to try and shake things off and looked at the clock. The light on the nightstand was still on, and her laptop screensaver had come on. She guessed she had finally succumbed to sleep while browsing the internet. It had been a little easier last week when she was at Sean’s place, but since being home, subconsciously she knew he wasn’t there, and she felt less secure. She changed into some workout clothes, grabbed her purse and keys and headed out the door. HWA Headquarters was available to employees 24/7, and for the very first time, Michelle had taken advantage of this arriving at 5:37 a.m. hoping to skip the stares, the whispers behind her back, and the looks of pity everyone would have after a week's absence since Havoc. More importantly, she was hoping to shake off the nightmare of Fallen. She knew most people trickled in around 7:00 a.m. so she had a little window of time to herself.
Over the last week she had received countless text messages and emails, and knew everyone from staff, to her friends, to academy trainees all wished her well. Aside from her parents and of course Sean, she hadn’t spoken to anyone and had remained completely secluded. Now one week removed from Havoc, this was her first time out of Sean’s apartment and back into her own, and even still she really wanted to spare herself the uncomfortableness that was sitting in her gut like she had just swallowed a large stone at the idea of getting back to normal and seeing people after what had happened.
Before heading inside, she had waited in her car a moment, practicing some breathing exercises. She got out and went straight to the sound and recording studio, put her purse down, got the equipment going and sat down in front of the camera. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail, and she tucked her knees up to her chest and pulled the sleeves back on one of Sean’s hoodies that she had borrowed. It was way too big for her, but it still smelled like him, and it was like having his strength with her. Last week, Sean had swung by her place where her roommate packed a bag of her clothes for him to take, mostly undergarments. She still mostly his clothes while there, not really wanting to feel like being herself. Finally, she turns her angelic face to the camera, eyes a little red with bags underneath, then musters the courage to speak and smile putting a positive tone in her voice.
(Michelle): Hi guys…I guess this is going to be kind of a diary vlog, of sorts. Sean and Hans have been trying to get me out of “my shell” for weeks and I feel like this is a comfortable step forward….so here goes and bear with me.
Michelle takes a deep sigh, her shoulders slumping as she wraps her arms around herself.
(Michelle): I know I’m going to sound like the celebrities on tv but, this really does come from my heart. First, I want to give my praise and thanks to our heavenly father. God does not set us on paths he knows we cannot walk. Psalms 11:5 says that God tests us all. I have to believe that in his infinite wisdom, he is testing me, but…
Michelle tilts her head down, a few moments of silence pass before she looks back up at the camera, holding herself together.
(Michelle): … I’m sorry. Ummm, I also want to thank everyone out there for all of your prayers, your kind words, and thoughts. I haven’t replied to anyone, but please know it has meant a lot to me this past week that has been exceptionally difficult for me. As the whole world knows by now, Havoc took a horrible turn and as surreal as it still feels now and felt then, I know that it all happened, it was not a dream…it was real.
The tiniest of smiles cracks the corner of her mouth.
(Michelle): Sean has been at my side like an archangel, he really has. He took care of me at Havoc when I couldn’t take care of myself, and once we made it back to Los Angeles, he offered for me to stay at his place. I didn’t want to impose, but he was nearly insistent upon it, and the truth was that I really didn’t want to be alone, so I said yes.
She grabs the front of the hoodie as if to show it to the camera.
(Michelle): This is even his top. Ummm…I’m going to be honest with you guys and tell you that I’ve thought a lot about what happened at Havoc. At first that night, fear hadn’t factored into anything. I’m a professional wrestler for crying out loud. I know well enough that wrestling is full of bullies, a truth I’ve experienced far more recently than in the past couple of years when it was mostly just Matt, Sean, Sarah, Sean and me.
Her mind wanders again and to the careful observer we notice marks on the back of her left hand as she begins to fidget and scratch, a sign of stress or even anxiety.
(Michelle): When Fallen entered Stu-E’s locker room, I hadn’t imagined that outcome. He was just a guy blowing off some steam, puffing his chest out like one of those wild birds on a National Geographic show. I honestly didn’t pay him too much mind, but Legion stood there in the doorway like he was blocking the exit and it started to feel off. I still wasn’t scared, not for me anyway, but for little Laney. She’s just a kid. I didn’t think they’d do anything to hurt her, but no one should frighten a child and I didn’t want her to be scared.
I tried to get him to leave, but he wouldn’t. I figured Stu-E or maybe one of the staff would walk by any second and scare him off anyway, but it in the end it was just me. I stood up to him, but as he started to get physical with me, I knew this was something different and I told Laney to run. Not to get help, but to get herself free of the situation. I don’t want to go into detail about or repeat what happened, you guys know now anyway, but what he did to me…
Michelle sniffles and wipes her eye with the sleeve of Sean’s hoodie fighting back the emotions.
(Michelle): Sorry guys….Ummm…what he did to me was vile. He violated me. He stole a small piece of me that was pure for his amusement, or pleasure, or whatever it was. I know some of you may not understand, but to Fallen I have to say…I forgive you. Matthew 6:14 teaches us that God forgives as we forgive others, it is a tenet of my faith. I hope you find it within you to forgive yourself for what you did. You didn’t just hurt me, you hurt my fans and this sport, you hurt women around the world who have suffered abuse, and you have hurt Sean. Sean who is beating himself up because he feels like he wasn’t there for me. You don’t know what you’ve done Mr. Angel, and it’s not fair. I don’t need your apology, but maybe if you find forgiveness within yourself and you want to help someone, help Sean. He’s very upset, and I would see his mind put at ease.
Michelle is still scratching the back of her hand unconsciously where now small traces of blood are visible on it.
(Michelle): Legion, you stood there and did nothing but watch, but I forgive you as well. I don’t know what you are feeling now, and I don’t know why you didn’t intervene, say something, or even stop him, but you didn’t, and that is your cross to bear. I pray that you too find forgiveness within yourself. I know you two are family, but that doesn’t mean you have to walk the same path Fallen has in his career, you can be better.
She sighs heavily, her thoughts trailing off as if she forgot she was on camera.
(Michelle): Ummmm, what else? So, I guess the company needed to file an incident report for liability purposes. I got a call from the Police Department asking questions, getting a statement and asked if I was pressing charges. I don’t know…Sean encouraged me to, but I just want to put this all behind me. Sean said Butch fired them both on the spot, maybe that is enough punishment, it’s in God’s hands now I guess so I’m going to leave it at that and move forward, but before I do…there’s a few more folks I wanted to say something to.
Erica, I heard what you said, and it makes me so sad for you. You and I have talked about your past, and I know a little bit about what happened to you years back and thought you of all people might understand this situation, but after Havoc you didn’t speak with kindness, you spoke with venom. And what you did to poor Vanessa.
Michelle puts her hands up to her chest over her heart and shakes her head.
(Michelle): I don’t know what has happened to you. My mom would say you’ve “got the devil in you.” Where is the lovely woman who invited me to her family's house for Christmas dinner last year because she knew I was alone in my apartment and without my own family? I met your mother Erica, we were in her kitchen together and you both were teaching me how to make the tamales. I met your little brother, and other relatives. Where is that sweet friend of mine? Whatever wickedness has a hold of you, I know the woman who lives behind that wall of pain and suffering you have thrown up, and I want you to know I won’t give up on her.
Hans, I hope Vanessa is doing well and I’m sorry I didn’t reach out sooner, but my mind has been preoccupied. I want to thank you for being a great mentor to me. When Fallen came into that room, I felt different. I think you’ve helped build in me a new level of confidence. I wasn’t scared, and I did what I thought was appropriate at the time to fight back, but I guess I just realized the threat a little too late. I hope what little I managed made you proud.
Michelle smiles…
(Michelle): Speaking of proud, Stu-E you have a bright and brave daughter in Laney, but I think you already know that. I’m so sorry I couldn’t protect her. I tried, I really did. I pray for her, and that she was not traumatized by the experience, but…it makes me question if this is the right place for her to be. I think about what happened and it’s just not something I think a child should be exposed to. Forgive me, I don’t mean to speak out of turn, and she is your daughter, but after Havoc I fear for her. Fallen and Legion may be gone, but it’s only a matter of time before someone else takes their place and does something unpleasant. Please think about her safety and reconsider her attendance, I know you’ll do what’s best for her.
Her eyes shift upward as she tries to pull her thought together, still a masked sadness on her face.
(Michelle): Sean, I’ve already told you this privately, but it should be said publicly. You’re an amazing man. I am so grateful God has put you in my life, and that he has graced us with this new direction in our relationship. You have wrapped your wings around me and have been my shelter and my protector. I have no words big enough to give credit and appreciation for what you have done and what it means to me. I just wanted everyone to know that.
Okay everybody, I think I’ve talked way more than I expected to, but I just wanted to say hello, let you all know that I’m okay and hope to see everyone soon. I know I missed a few people, Sarah, Jeremy, Matt, but I’ll be in touch with you all soon.
Michelle smiles as she blows a kiss to the camera. She reaches over to the panel to end the feed but isn’t looking directly at it and presses the wrong button, the video simply goes black and white but is still recording and broadcasting unbeknown to her. Suddenly she bursts into tears, drawing her legs in close again and burying her head in her knees she sobs like a little girl whose pet just died.
(Michelle): What did you do to me? Why? Make it stop, please God just make it stop!
Her cries continue and a few moments later her phone rings and she sees that it’s her parents. She tries to pull herself together as she answers putting the call on speakerphone so she doesn’t have to hold the phone, and perks up her voice.
(Michelle): Hello?
(Michelle’s Dad): I guessed you’d be up by now, its about 6:00 a.m. there right?
(Michelle): Yes it is, Morning, papa!
(Michelle’s Dad): Alright Michelle…this is it, we gave you the time like you asked for and it’s been over a week now. Enough is enough, your brother John and I are coming down to get you, bring you home.
(Michelle): Papa, I told you I’m alright. Really, I am. Sean has…
(Michelle’s Dad): Sean’s not your father Michelle, I am. That boy had no right phoning this house after what he’s done.
(Michelle): Papa I told you…Sean didn’t do anything, he helped me. He’s been taking care of me, you know that.
(Michelle’s Dad): Taking care of you? It’s a little too late for him to do that now Michelle. This is Samson and Delilah sweetheart, don’t you see, he’s fooled you? He’s probably behind the whole thing with that other one. It’s a game, or some perverted bet. The boy just wants to lay with you, he’s set this up so you’ll go running into his arms, he’s tricked you sweetheart…he’s a trickster like all the rest of them. Your mother is still beside herself with grief and worry.
Her voice shrinks a little, listening to the frustration in her father’s tone that hasn’t diminished a bit since Havoc, if anything it’s gotten worse.
(Michelle): Papa, I told you guys not to worry.
(Michelle’s Dad): You know, your mother is going to retire in just two years. I spoke with President Nelson and there’s an opportunity for you to reapply for your missionary work. With dedication, God willing…you might have what it takes to make it in the Young Women General Presidency.
(Michelle): I don’t think I qualify for that, Papa. That ship has long sailed, and besides women have been waiting for positions for years, I’m nobody. I have my career here.
(Michelle’s Dad): Nonsense! You’d be perfect. You told us, God sent you there for a reason, maybe this is it. A sheep amidst the wolves, Michelle. Who better than someone like you who has experienced the world, seen the evils of humanity and their need to be nurtured by the word of God?
(Michelle): I don’t know, I’ll think about it Papa, but please don’t come, I’ll come for a visit soon, I promise. In fact, we just got the schedule for the coming weeks and we’ll be in Salt Lake a few shows out, I’ll get you guys tickets and you’ll get a chance to meet Sean yourself, you’ll see that he…
(Michelle’s Dad): We don’t want anything to do with him, and I don’t think we’ll be coming to any show. This isn’t the place for you Michelle, not anymore. We let you spread your wings, but it’s time to come back home to the nest, to your flock. There are people here in the community ready to support you.
(Michelle): Papa, I want to stay here, but I promise…I promise I’ll think about it.
Her father audibly grumbles, torn between being a dad and recognizing his daughter is a free-willed adult.
(Michelle’s Dad): Alright Michelle, you call us right away if you need anything. Your mother finally connected with a chapter there and arranged a visit for you with some local missionaries. The fellowship will help, you’ll see.
(Michelle): That would be really nice.
(Michelle’s Dad): Alright then, we love you darling.
(Michelle): Love you too Papa, give Momma my love.
They give their goodbyes and Michelle hangs up the call, and the tears start flowing again.
(Michelle): I know you have a plan for me Father, lead me down the path of righteousness. Take away this suffering and make me whole again. Give me back what he took from me. Help Sean, he doesn’t deserve this. He’s innocent Father, he needs your hand to calm the anger and guilt inside him. He also..
The sound of a floor cleaner is heard, startling her. She sees one of the staff members coming down hallway, grabs her purse not wanting to be seen and makes a mad dash for exit, the camera feed still rolling as the scene fades to black.
Message Thread
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