“Welcome to the debut episode of Between Two Bastards, a new series on cracked.com. Created because they've seen the Zach Galifianakis show, but couldn't afford him. I'm you're host, Stu-E Price. You may remember me from such great times from my loss...”
Price looks off camera, “I'm not reading the rest of this, it just brings up the bad stuff. This isn't about me, it's about two bastards.” He takes the first cue card and throws it away.
"Talking about two bastards, my guests tonight are Maniac and Hans Von Richtoven!"
They both walk on to set up, keeping their eyes on each other. Price looks annoyed.
"What are you two doing? We're wrestlers, we don't enter a scene without music. Go back."
He waves them off, so they walk away from the set.
Maniac shakes his head as he heads backstage again only to be reintroduced
Price presses a button on his stage, the chorus of the 80's pop song 'Maniac' plays for Maniac to come out to.
Maniac comes back through shaking his head, on to the stage and sits back down in the same chair he was in. Maniac holds his hands up looking at Stu-E, “Happy now?”
Price presses the button again, only this time the chorus to ‘Escape to Victory’ plays out for Hans to return. A few seconds pass before Hans ‘The Baron’ von Richtoven emerges from behind the curtain. A thoroughly bemused expression on him at the music being played is cut short as he spies the other man across from him.
Both he and Maniac eye one another up, before Hans, a haughty smirk on his face as he holds up a finger, then tapping himself on the chest, before forming an ‘o’ between his index finger and thumb and smiling wider as he points across to Maniac.
He gets to his seat and settles himself in.
Stu-E takes one look at Maniac and one look at Hans and picks up on the tension in the air, “Security!” he shouts and out walks Steve Wilco, of Jerry Springer with four posts and four lengths of rope as you’d see outside many late-night venues. He positions them around Price and attaches the ropes.
"Ok, now I'm safe, I'll ask you some questions about yourself because this is for a comedy website, not a wrestling one so the regular visitors won't have heard of you, especially as neither of you are really, that funny."
He glances down at his cue cards, his tone of voice is rather deadpan as he asks the first question to Maniac.
"Do you think wearing that mask all the time is an effort to hide your face so when you retire your neighbours won't know that you were that shitty wrestler called Maniac?" Before the reply, a laugh escapes him, “Great question there Stu, no the mask is the equivalent to wearing war paint.”
Price looks off camera at the teleprompter, there’s a brief pause as he reads the words, “Did you pick up the paint in Vietnam, or Kuwait, or Afghanistan?” Maniac doesn’t respond to the joke and instead leaps right into a reply, “To be honest Stu I don't know where I picked it up, just started to do it when I wrestled, and it stuck. That and it's a good way to tell the difference between Antonio and I.” chuckling as he finishes his sentence.
"Do you not worry if you're ever kidnapped and they remove the mask, before selling you to an Eastern European sex ring, that your arsehole will be sold so cheaply because nobody would know who you were?"
Hans, has been reserved, sitting and listening, but something springs to mind, “A serious question Herr Chaos. How do you tell the other personalities apart?”
Before Maniac can answer, Price slams his fist on the desk, “"STOP IT! I VILL ASK ZE QUESTIONS!" he shouts out, catching both Hans and Maniac off guard, he allows it to sink in before glancing at Maniac, “How do you tell the other personalities apart?"
Maniac looks between the two, clears his throat and continues his reply, “Well Hans other than the face paint Antonio is more the business type and speaks fluent Italian which I cannot. As for DreamMaster...well if you can't tell when it's him then I don't know what to tell you. And Stu, everyone knows who Antonio and I are, and nobody is going to try anything like that because they know they'd end up on a very bad way.”
Hans leans back in his chair, entirely unconvinced at the professional approach and answers so far from Maniac, it’s something our host notices so he abandons his line of question and focuses on Von Richtoven.
"Hans, do you worry that people don't understand your accent in your promos until they've eaten sauerkraut?"
“If you can find good sauerkraut outside of Germany... but nein, ich...” A low exasperated breath, “I'm well used to people hearing what they want to hear, makes little difference, jah.”
Price looks at him wondering how the joke went over his head, he pulls out the cue card and throws it away before reading the next one, although he does pause before reading it.
“You're from Stuttgart in Germany, did you come to America voluntarily, or did the jews chase your Grandparents here?” This results in Maniac bursting out laughing for a brief moment before clearing his throat, “Sorry, caught me off guard” he reasons, yet continues to snicker, causing him to cover his mouth and turn away for a moment.
“I didn't say his grandparents were guards, continue, Hans.” Says the host, but again Maniac quips “still funny” after shrugging his shoulders.
He’s definitely caught the attention of Hans, “I was wondering when that nails on a chalkboard laugh of yours would come through Herr Chaos, so unlike you to act all refined.” He states before turning his attention to Stu-E, Hans clears his throat, arranging his thoughts.
It’s all the moment in time that he needs to fire in a one liner, “What’s the matter, Hans; Erica got your tongue?” says Price but Hans is still a picture of concentration as he answers back. “Voluntarily, jah. Chasing a dream, not being chased. And let me be clear Herr Price, that's as far as those insinuations go.”
Stu-E flips on to another cue card, this one makes his raise an eyebrow, "Talking about Erica, is it true you're holding off invading her personal space because Germans get a bad press when invading foreign lands?" But Hans doesn't rise to the bait, or the side eye from Maniac. Instead, he calmly raises his ring finger up, wedding band visible for all to see. “Remind me Herr Price, why is the Union Jack called the Butcher's Apron?”
Price throws his cue cards at the wall, “For the second time, I vill ask ze questions. You're not doing much to dispel the image of the ze Germans asking ze questions right now, are you?” This encourages a stifled burst of laughter from Maniac.
“You have me on that one Herr Price. As for Erica... nein. Happily married to a wonderful lady. Even if I wasn't, I deal with enough damaged individuals in my work without it coming home with me as well. She needs help...” Hans leans over to look at Maniac, adding, “Unt I cannot stress enough, not the help you give her Herr Chaos.”
Knowing what these two are like, Price tries to continue, “Let's talk about the upcoming pay-per-view, Maniac what can you tell the viewers about your opponent?” But it’s too late, Maniac has already shrugged and laughed, “Seems to me that my help is doing just fine, in fact it seems to be doing better than what you are with your students Baron. As for your question too, what can I say about Matt Miller? He's a resilient little ####er and he has guts I'll give him that but come Art of War he is in over his head.”
Price flips through another couple of cue cards, not paying attention to what it says, he just doesn’t want these two to end up fighting. "How can we be sure Maniac isn't really Erica, Hans? He never takes the mask off, and he or she could be wearing a fat suit to wrestle as Maniac, couldn't he? Imagine jeopardizing your marriage and you find out it was Maniac all this time. Somebody call Kojak and buy a box of lollipops!
But how about your match, what can you tell us, Hans?" Maniac is shaking his head, scrunching his face in confusion. “Are you ####ing retarded? First off how can we be the same person if you've seen us both in the same place at the same time. Plus I have a dick, just ask Mandy she rather enjoys it.”
Stu-E holds the cue cards up in the air, “I'm just reading the cue cards, I know that, but the people this video is for don't?” Maniac gives a sarcastic laugh and a middle finger, “How can they not know? I've been around for awhile now.”
Price smirks, “Been around forever, and they knew nothing about you... says a lot, don't you think?” Maniac is just as quick to reply, “Very funny, but I guarantee they know more about me than your sorry pub dwelling ass who wouldn't be popular if it wasn't for his daughter.”
Again, Stu-E shrugs his shoulders and holds up the cue cards, muttering “Don’t shoot the messenger, these are all on a prompt”, as he’s doing this Hans chimes in to respond to what his question was, resisting the urge to chime in further, happy that the professional façade Maniac was putting over initially is dropping. “I can tell you that my match with Jeremy will be sehr gut Herr Price. He's a fantastic competitor, I've got my work cut out.”
Maniac turns to Hans, “Not if he's been performing like he has been lately, let's face it he hasn't won a match since beating Will Ospreay.” Hans fires back, “Speaking of Erica, if it wasn’t for her, you’d have a loss to him, or have you forgotten about that?” He holds up a hand to stall any response, then carries on, “Since we’re on that topic, jah, you haven’t hid Bryan Deas in that basement of yours have you?”
Maniac shakes his head, “Sure Hans, just like everyone knows if it wasn't for Matt I would have won at Havoc. As for Deas, I haven't heard from him since our tag match which is a shame because I was rather impressed with the new Deas.”
The two of them are becoming rather animated, while Stu-E rolls up his sleeves looking at an imaginary watch.
“Weine mir einen fluss Herr Chaos, conveniently forgetting about hitting me with that sap of yours. Maybe third time lucky next time, jah?” comes the reply from Hans but Maniac let's out a chuckle as he smiles, “Oh I haven't forgotten, just like I won't forget the sound of your wife screaming when Erica burnt her. Music to my ears...”
Maniac leaned back, raising his left hand and motioning as if he's conducting an orchestra. A sneering look of derision crosses Han’s face as he stares across at Maniac. “You’re perfectly paired you two, both in den kopf gefickt.” But Maniac throws his head back and laughs, “Awww thanks for noticing Hans.” Winking at him as he let out yet another laugh.
Maniac turns back to Stu-E, as he heard exactly what was muttered mere moments ago, “Whatever clown, get on with it.” Which draws out a laugh from Price, “Says the man in face paint..." is his chosen reply, which is simply met again by Maniac, “Says another Parker ass kisser.”
Immediately replies with “I'll do anything for a pay rise...” which almost seems to break the tension, causing Maniac to chuckle, “Yeah, we’ve all heard.”
Stu-E just winks at him and tries to bring the conversation back around.
“Let’s get back to Between Two Bastards. As I was about to say Hans, with Jeremy recently coming out of the closet, you've carved a reputation of being a very straight man... Could you be covering anything up?"
Hans had been waiting for the two to finish speaking, followed by him rolling his eyes initially at the question, Hans leans in towards Price. “Not covering anything up. What people chose to be…”
Gesturing back over at Maniac, “Clowns…” He counts off on one hand, “Straight, gay, bisexual…” gesturing once more at Maniac, “Cretins…” He leans back in his seat, “You be you. I’m straight.”
Maniac nods his head, “Good point Hans, but you forgot to mention how much of a furnace enthusiast you are. By the way Hans, what was your guy's problem with Anne Frank? Was it just because she was Jewish?” comes the inflammatory reply. A hushed silence falls, Hans taking in the words uttered, eyes boring into Maniac's own.
In a low voice, filled with menace, he grinds out the following, “If you understood your history, Herr Chaos, jah, the Nazi party at the time did have an issue with anyone of Jewish heritage. It's for the best that such a group was removed from power and we German's have done our best to ensure that their kind will never rise again at home... something that sadly some elements here in America haven't learnt from...”
There’s a small pause, “Say that again though Herr Chaos and you won't be making it to Art of War. You'll be in traction.” To which Maniac grins, like Maniac does, “Now you're speaking my language, is that a promise Hansy?”
“Security! Security!” come the shout from Price, Steve comes back out with a further four posts and four ropes, setting them around the earlier barrier fixated around Stu-E. Wanting to move the subject on he says, “Let's get back on track... where were we before one of you wanted a dick swinging contest?"
Maniac holds up his hands, “I asked about a touchy subject for you know who...” nods his head towards Hans, “...and World War three almost broke out.” Punctuating his sentence by laughing hysterically.
Price flips through his cue cards, “"Let's not talk about any of the wars, from now on? Maniac, explain what an Asylum match is to the people that don't know"
“Very well, we'll stay on subject.” Comes the reply from Maniac, “The Asylum match is an Elimination Chamber cage with weapons dangling from the poles. Along with those weapons, you can see the straight jacket hanging down and waiting to be used. There are barbed wire ropes instead of regular ones and there is a hole in one of the side platforms.
There is also a coffin, and you win by putting your opponent into the straight jacket, putting him into the coffin, lighting the hole in the platform on fire and with the opponent still in the straight jacket and in the coffin, you toss the coffin in the fire-lit hole. It's a match that not only challenges you physically but mentally as well to the most extreme way possible.”
"So it's not just a chance to be locked in a big cage with strapping young boys surrounded by whips and chains?" asks Price, Maniac laughs, “Nope, it's an endurance test like no other in the world.”
Hans, after listening to the description of the match says “Es ist barbarisch.” Stu-E agrees with him stating “I agree Hans, Maniac could use a haircut from a decent barber.” And continues his questioning of Maniac with "How have you prepared for it? When you write your promos do you read it back in the voice of Mark Hamill playing the joker in the Batman cartoon?"
Maniac offers no emotion to the question, simply jumps right in, “Well Stu it's no lie that the Joker is a big inspiration for me, but preparation wise I of course work out and train for my physical preparation. As for my mental preparation it's meditation and watching the old Asylum matches. I don't think that's what he said Stu but who knows in that old hatred-filled language.”
Hans snorts with a mixture of disbelief and derision at what he's heard, “Hypocrisy at its finest here.” Looking over at Maniac once again with a face mirroring his tone; disbelief. “Were you asking if I was a fan of furnaces because you want to know if there's someone else like you that gets their kicks from... nein, they're not 'matches', they're snuff films... and dreams of hurting others? Find a mirror in that home of yours that isn't cracked Herr Chaos, maybe see if there's some shred of decency hiding away inside that head of yours... du bist ein monster Herr Chaos.”
Maniac smiles, “You have a problem with my style Hans?”
Looking him up and down, shaking his head as he does so, Hans responds, “Ich habe ein problem mit dir, Herr Chaos.” To which Maniac laughs and shrugs it off, “Oh well Hansy, unless you plan on getting back in the ring with me to try and do something about it looks like you're just going to have to sit over there, suck it up, and accept it.”
Price holds his hands up, to say enough. "We'll ignore that... Hans, why do you need to come back and fight? Are you a wrestling vampire hoping to replenish yourself at the expense of younger wrestlers… or do you just suck?"
“What sucks is Herr Chaos's record when he's not able to cheat... and even then... nein, I'm not a wrestling vampire, I'm here for the challenge... verbal or physical.” Comes the reply from Hans which gives Stu-E an idea. “Spin round three times and pronounce the longest place name in Wales? I'll help you by spelling it...”
Price squints his eyes to focus on the teleprompter.
“L.. L..
A.. N.. F…
A.. I.. R..
P.. W…
L.. L.. G..
W.. Y
N.. G..
Y.. L.. L…
G.. O.. G..
E.. R..
Y…
C.. H.. W..
Y.. R.. N…
D.. R.. O..
B.. W…
L.. L..
L.. L..
A.. N.. T.. Y…
S.. I.. L..
I..
O.. G…
O.. G…
O.. G…
O.. C.. H…”
The delivery from Price is rather delayed, with the lack of sound in the terrible, small studio you could pretty much hear a pin drop as he named the letters.
“Ich kenne meine stärken… Welsh is not one...” reasons Hans, “But you said you liked a verbal challenge? Atleast try” comes the encouragement from Stu-E. Exasperated, Hans throws his hands up in defeat. “Llanf… Llanfa…” He gives up, “Scheiße.”
Price allows him to give up, “Atleast next time Erica wants her mouth full of something, you just tell her to pronounce that town! You've done a lot in your career, what year was it you won the French championship? Was it a scheduled match, or did you just ‘turn up unannounced’?”
“These are some questions, jah…” Hans can't help but chuckle, it's the only thing he can do at this point, off balance as he is by the questioning and being near to Maniac. Off camera, but hovering close by, the security still stand ready to intervene on Price’s command. “As for that old title, I fought for it. It's very much in the past now, one of the first matches I had after I arrived in America. They didn't have an Intercontinental title, they had the French...” He shrugs, “Their choice.”
“And the tag team title, whatever happened to Anton? Is he still buried in your backyard?”
“Difficult to bury anyone in a backyard when you live in the Empire State Building Herr Price… but Anton is still around. Sure he’s retired now, or is it Davis?” Price looks at the teleprompt, looks down at his desk and takes a deep breathe. "So your wrestling career has allowed you to evolve to live a modern day watch tower, yes?" He grits his teeth, and words a 'sorry' and points to the teleprompt.
Hans looks at him puzzled, running the words over in his head a few times, “Verzeihung Herr Price... but who's putting these questions together for you?”
Price points at the cue cards and the teleprompter, "I'm just following the teleprompt, probably the writers for this comedy website, I just figured it was a good way to get a job hosting the Emmy's, I was more surprised than anybody when I saw your name as a guest of 'Between Two Bastards', but you're here now. I bet a German hasn't been interrogated... oh, God..."
He clears his throat, "like this since the nineteen forties..."
Eyebrow arched, Hans again can only chuckle before exhaling loudly as he adjusts himself in his seat, “When they said 'can you do this thing at short notice?', jah…” He swallows, composing himself. “Very... uh... very Basil Fawlty of you Herr Price.”
Hans allows another low exhalation, “But nein, in answer to your question, nein.” He slaps his hands down onto his knees, “Unt Ich bin raus. If Herr Chaos was a tag partner, this is when he get's in.”
Price smiles, “I could just see you and Maniac in a tag team, but with your wife and Erica, do you really have the patience for another bitch in your life?”
To this, Hans just smiles and chuckles further, slumping back into his chair, gesturing with one hand across at Maniac, offering him the chance to respond. He suddenly jolts up out of "a deep slumber"
“Oh man, my bad guys I fell asleep during your excessive babbling and woke up when I heard bitch! Are we referring to Stu's mother again?” Maniac’s insult is no sold, “She can be a right bitch when she wants, that's hardly news in my part of the World.” Comes the reply from Price which is met just as fast by Maniac. “Right, well after you two started babbling like a couple bitches at teatime I fell asleep. So, what's the next question?”
Price flips back on his cue card, “Hans said if you were his tag team partner, you would have joined in. So the question is, are you up for a threesome with him and Erica?”
Maniac throws his head back in a mighty laughter, “Pass, but you have fun Hans I'm sure Vanessa wouldn't mind.” He follows that with a wink to Hans, who at this point rubbing the bridge of his nose between the thumb and index finger of his right hand, ignoring Maniac.
“Wow, and we thought Maniac wouldn't turn down anything a little bit twisted.” Observes Price, which causes Maniac to laugh before responding, “Yeah well like I tried to explain to everybody else I may be a monster but I still have boundaries.”
At this, Hans stops rubbing the bridge of his nose, looking up sharply, a bark of laughter escaping before he can clamp down on it. Maniac, meanwhile, shakes his head, looking at Stu-E. “I think of all people you would understand that Stu, especially for the sake and safety of your daughter. What Hans? Like I said before you don't see me going around violating women and children. You have no room to talk with your ancestry of violence and furnace loving.”
“Security!” shouts Price sensing it’s going to get a little tasty if he isn’t careful. Steve comes out with four more posts and ropes, adding a third layer around Price, at which Maniac asks, “Feel better Stu?” who looks around the three layers of security around him to protect him getting injured before the pay-per-view before replying “Yes, I do. These ropes are very powerful, used in nightclubs all over the World. If your name isn't on the list, you're not getting in!”
At this, Hans slowly rises, carefully, eyes still locked on Maniac. He takes a slow and measured step to one side of the chair, eyes dipping to make sure he won’t trip, before he starts to speak, still staring right at Maniac. “Danke Herr Price, but I’ve heard enough from this schweinhund…”
He cracks his neck, loosening up, security takes another step forward as Maniac grins wider.
“I don’t want him missing his date with Miller and causing damage to this studio of yours.” He steps backwards once, twice then a third step as he pivots and walks out of the camera view, brushing past Steve.
Price watches him leave, “Well played Maniac, now it’s just me and one bastard!” Maniac laughs and shrugs, “Well you know the old saying Stu ol' boy, if you can't handle the heat get out of the furnace...KITCHEN! I meant kitchen.”
Maniac’s voice falls on deaf ears, Stu-E is tidying up his things oblivious that he even responded. Maniac taps his fingers on his desk, “So do you have any serious questions in there or is this just a big joke like your career?”
This startles Price, not the words, but the fact he was still there, “You're still here? Sorry, I thought you left with your boyfriend. You may leave.” Maniac simply rolls his eyes and walks away as the scene cuts.
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