(Matt): Hey man…you ok?
Jeremy’s head was swimming, the anticipation of he and Matt going to eat or whatever felt…uncomfortable. He had put a wall up, an act of self-preservation. He liked Matt…a lot…but he couldn’t fall for him. His dignity wouldn’t allow it. He was content being friends, but what the hell was that at Art of War? Matt hadn’t even responded weeks ago when that bitch first opened her mouth about him to begin with, they never said a word to each other about it, just went about their business and then that. He sees Matt standing there up ahead as he approaches, cool as a cucumber while inside he himself felt nearly nauseous. What did he want to talk about now? “Hey Man, I think you’re cool, but we’re just friends.” “Sorry I haven’t text you back, I’ve been busy!” If they weren’t friends he’s totally skip this. He didn’t like rejection, didn’t like feeling stupid on a one-way love street, but here he was…and there was Matt now in front of him asking if he was ok? No, he wasn’t okay. He had to be friends and work with a guy he had developed feelings for….how the hell was he ok!
(Jeremy): Yeah…you ready?
(Matt): Just about… I still can’t believe what happened tonight. Did you hear about what happened with Sean and CM Punk?!
Great… “small talk” Jeremy thought. Couldn’t he just rip the fuking Band-Aid off so they can go grab a burger, a beer, a belch, and he can go home and go to bed and forget parts of the last month had never happened…
(Jeremy): Yeah... I wish I was there, I'd have helped him. I don't even know why they wanted to bring him in, it's not like we needed him…he's toxic.
Matt yelled at himself in his head. What are you making small talk for? Idiot, so you are!
(Matt): At least he’s gone. We can try and move on…
F*ck, that’s now what he meant!
(Matt): …. I mean from Punk! Not from… you know… shit, I’m sorry…I’m sorry for not texting you back…my head’s been a clusterf*ck so it has, with everything…
(Jeremy): No, I get it…you’ve had Maniac and the ppv all coming at you.
He didn’t get it, but he didn’t want Matt to feel guilty, but for fuk sake…he’s been dying over here from the anticipation. He just wanted to get out of here, go eat and get this over with. He didn’t even know what was open this late. No offense to Michell, but they were in a pretty religious city…he certainly didn’t want a bunch of Mormons stating at them like lepers.
(Jeremy): You decide where you want to go?
Matt’s stomach was knotting tightly. He had thought about kissing Jeremy but what if he didn’t like it? What was kissing a guy like? What if he didn’t like it and Jeremy did and their friendship was ruined?
(Matt): Sean told me Michelle used to talk about this decent burger place that was open quite late that’s not far from here? Or we could go back to the hotel and order room service?
His hotel room? Was he fuking serious? Were they in a dry county? He was going to need a goddamn drink for this, something to even out his nerves. He pulls his phone out and starts looking at Yelp.
(Jeremy): I could go for a good burger, maybe a drink at the bar after.
The bar! That was about as close to Matt’s room as he was going to get. He’s not about to go sit up there in his room and look at him prance around with his shirt off and eat food, make small talk, and get the “Well it’s getting kinda late” speech and have to get out.
Was inviting Jeremy to his hotel too forward? He didn’t want to give him the wrong impression but he kinda felt maybe this was moving towards something he might be interested in. But then the seeds of doubt began to nestle in again. He breathed a sigh in relief when Jeremy opted for burger.
(Matt): Sounds good, so it does!
(Jeremy): Lead the way.
He hoped it wasn’t far, the sooner they got there…the better. At least he could sit down and not look as fidgety as he feet he looked right now. Would a strawberry shake upset his stomach? Definitely some fries…he had to have fries…it would keep his hands busy. Shyt…did he have his dental floss with him, what if he got food stuck in his teeth and sat there yapping away like an idiot and didn’t know it? He felt down to his pockets and realized it was there, along with his little Listerine patches. Not that anything was going to happen, he was just very cautious about talking to people especially after eating and not wanting bad breath. One of his professors in college had the worst fuking coffee breath. The dude would sip on coffee all throughout class and had the bad habit of leaning over your shoulder to look at your work. His breath was like he had dipped his mug in a swamp on a summer day and chugged it.
He couldn’t help but to look Matt over. Quick glances as not to seem to stare. Little scars still healing all over his body, patches protecting his healing skin from burn marks. He wanted to trace them with his fingers, rub them as if his touch could heal them and he’d feel better. He wanted to…what the hell was he doing? Here he goes again peeking through a crack in that wall like a dumbass. “Let me just focus” he thought to himself.
(Jeremy): Where is it again? We driving or…
Matt could feel the odd fleeting look from Jeremy and he was nervous about making eye contact.
(Matt): I don’t think it’s far, Sean said it was just past the arena and then a block to the right.
He looked around and there wasn’t anybody around. The streets were quite quiet, and it was just after 10pm. He looked at Jeremy.
(Matt): Before we go though, you’re into your science, so you are. Have you heard of Schrödinger’s cat?
They begin walking, given its location it shouldn’t take more than 5-minutes at a good pace, it was just a block or so away apparently.
(Jeremy): Astronomy…I studied astronomy. I’m only vaguely familiar with Schrödinger’s cat theory thing. Why do you ask?
“…into your science?” Doesn’t he even know anything about me? Settle down Jeremy…maybe he’s just trying to meet you half way. Half way for what though, he’s never asked about this stuff before. If he weren’t so fuking hot…
Matt took a breath.
(Matt): So, from what I understand, it’s a cat in a box, and until you open it, it’s either dead, alive or both, right?
(Jeremy): Cat in a box, right...go on...
Matt stopped. F*ck it, go big or go home. He stepped towards him, holding Jeremy by the back of the head and pressing his lips against his whilst placing his hand on his hip. The kiss lasted about five seconds or so but felt like an eternity. Matt’s insides fluttered like crazy, his heart pounding in his ears. This was incredible he thought. As he peeled his lips off, he looked in Jeremy’s eyes.
(Matt): Well…the cat’s definitely alive, so it is!
“Supernova” is all Jeremy could think. He felt like he had just watched a cosmic creation take form and the gases had ignited in a brilliant display of color shining across the cosmos. He kissed me…He just fuking kissed me, he thought. Jeremy stood there in silence, for some reason he looked around him as if checking for hidden cameras and the joke to be revealed, or people watching and some Mormon shouting “Ewww.” But none of that happened, and as he stared in Matt’s eyes all he saw was wonder.
(Jeremy): But, I thought…
He was lost for words. He wanted to kiss him back, but he didn’t want to ruin this moment.
(Jeremy): Why didn’t you say anything? Are you being serious right now?
(Matt): I’m being deadly serious, so I am. I’ve racked my brains all week since the ppv, running through so many different scenarios in my head about what it means, what it could mean, what it’d be like. I don’t know what I am, whether I’m gay, bi, I don’t know. But I know that I’m serious about you….minus the cringy comment…
He was still speechless. The exuberance in Matt’s eyes was remarkable. All this time, maybe he was just nervous. Right now, in this moment, like a switch had been flipped he seemed…resolved. He had to play this cool, and there was still a level of caution he felt he needed to have, but this was like Willy Wonka opening his factory…he’d be a fool not to go in. He hesitated, but allowed his hand to reach up to Matt’s face. He brushed his cheek with his thumb as he stared at him.
(Jeremy): Matt I…I never assumed anything about you. What Erica said…that was all about me, not you. I mean…you were in it obviously, and her gypsy ass powers of perception seemed to connect the dots but I don’t want you to feel….what I mean is…I don’t know if what she said awakened something in you about me, or if it was already there, or what but…for me…I can’t even tell you when it happened, but I’ve been crazy about you for a long time. I never wanted anything to come between or ruin our friendship.
He realizes his hand has been on him a while and withdraws it. His heart was running Olympic laps in his chest right now. Was this really happening? Were they starting something?
Matt couldn’t help but allow a smile to tug at the corners of his mouth.
(Matt): To be honest, I don’t know what the hell this is. Like I said, I’ve played through so many scenarios in my head. I know I like girls, I’ve always liked them. I’ve never been attracted to guys, I don’t know if I am. But I know there’s something about you I can’t switch off, so I can’t.
He doesn’t take his hand off Jeremy’s hip. Instead, he moves closer to him, pressing up against him so they’re almost nose-to-nose.
(Matt): And I want to see where this goes…I’m all in is what I’m saying, so I am.
And there it was…one of the many reasons for his wall. This is why he had never intended this to be anywhere but inside his own head, a fantasy. Matt had never once shown a shred of interest in him. He’d always known him to be the straightest dude he knew but here they are on the Streets of Salt Lake City of all places, nearly embraced. Fear set in.
(Jeremy): Matt…I know who I am, and I know what I feel for you, and that’s a really high place for me to fall from. I don’t want to be someone’s crash test dummy. I don’t want to be the sample platter on the menu to get a little taste of something to see if you really like it or not. I don’t know what “all in” means for you, but I know what it means to me.
Matt knew this was coming. His heart sank for a moment.
(Matt): I get it, Jay, I do. Ya know me though, ye think I’m gonna use you to test the waters? I wouldn’t do that to you! I’ve played this moment so many times in my head. But if I don’t take a chance on what I’m feeling, I know I’ll regret it. If I say, “let’s just be friends” I’ll always be asking meself “what if”. That kiss felt right, Jay. It made me feel something that I’ve never felt before and I want more. I want you, so I do, ya big dafty!
Irresistible was the new word in his head. Astronauts have crammed into space vessels on courageous voyages to the atmosphere, the moon, and soon even Mars…not knowing if they’d even reach their destination, but they knew the journey itself would be amazing. He could take that plunge, Matt was definitely worth that risk, and he didn’t want any regrets of his own either.
He pulled Matt into him and kissed him deeply. It was consuming, swooning like those moments in movies where a mere touch is overexaggerated by convulsing bodies to accentuate the point of what is taking place only this was real. As he pulled back, the smile on his face was beyond measure.
(Jeremy): You amaze me, you know that right?
(Matt): Could say the same thing about you, so I could! So…do ya still wanna go for that burger or….?
He was even more self-conscious now about having ground beef stuck in his teeth than he was before, but he was starving. A bacon, avocado cheeseburger would definitely hit the spot, but that room service suggestion wasn’t feeling as impossible as it was before. They could get something to eat, and just relax, they had a lot to talk about, and this was the beginning of a new relationship…as well as they knew one another professionally and to a degree…personally…now there was so much more to learn.
(Jeremy): How about your room, it will give us a chance to talk in private? If that’s ok.
Matt felt more butterflies in his stomach at the thought of he and Jeremy but it also felt exhilarating at the same time.
(Matt): That sounds amazing, so it does!
The found themselves shortly after in a cab, on the way to Matt’s hotel. It was a good choice, to be in one another’s company with no voices or distractions around them. Time to focus on one another, to listen, to learn. Jeremy grabbed Matt’s hand into his along the right and it as Matt had told him about their kiss… “felt right!” as the scene faded to black.
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