A plain room, non descript in every way.
Standing in front of the camera, face split wide open like a Cheshire cat is Tobias Clarke.
The arrogance oozes off him, you can just sense it, even through the screen you’re watching him on.
He’s flush from Havoc.
He’s psyched, ready to go.
Clapping his hands together, he launches into his speech.
(Tobias): So, here we are. I said I’d call everyone out and I’m a man of my word.
The only real question, is where to begin? What angle to approach this steaming pile of incompetence, steroid abuse and repressed deviancy?
.
I know, from the start. Everyone bitches and moans about the old talent. Believe you me, they’re old alright. But they were there first and somehow they’ve stuck around like a nugget on the ceramic that just won’t flush away.
He holds up one finger, not the one you’re thinking off, even if it is ultimately a f*ck you to the roster that he’s doing this
(Tobias): So up first, let’s go with the person who shit stirs. Not particularly well of course, since near enough everyone is United against him rather than against one another… but Maniac. You’re not a maniac friend, you’re just ####ing lame. ‘Oh look at me, I’ve got a nice personality, I’ve got a crazy one and I’ve got another crazy one but this one’s Moon Knight or some shit like that’. #### off mate, be better. Take meds, stop being that creepy guy and inviting yourself to people’s parents houses and imposing yourself on others like a weird uncle.
Speaking of weird uncles, Draconis, the #### is it with you and your ‘family’ of misfit weirdos? There’s this whole mish mash thing going on with you and Fallen and I don’t know if it’s genuine beef or just repressed sexual tension.
I mean, tangent happening here, we’re going after Michelle now, though unlike Fallen, I’ll keep my hands to myself. Honey, you sure this is the life you want? I mean, a life in Lycra and spandex is a difficult life without the breath monster barricading you up against a wall and copping a feel for good measure. I’d say ‘be better’ but that’s just the thing, you’re already so good at that… just not in the ring…
A shrug. You can tell it’s not laissez faire.
(Tobias): Ok, back to the not so golden oldies.
Stu-E Price. A man who has captured the hearts of many, by being a single parent. Go you paps, go you. I’m already looking forward to seeing you in the closest boozer, practically can already taste the unwashed smell from the closest old bastard propping up that bar. You watch this, you digest this. Careful you don’t choke like you might on a packet of those crisps now. You’re on the last circuit, I guess this isn’t aimed at you as you could well be gone by the time I get to you. Arthritis, old age, clogged arteries, the list is endless.
Speaking of endless, back on to you Fallen. What’s exactly your angle, besides aiming to be hired and fired and rehired and repeat that for, what, till the end of time? Any ambitions besides perving on kids?
Oh wait, sorry, it’s Legion I’m thinking off, the excuses, right, they’re endless. ‘Oh I didn’t know that was bad’… and did you get told the sky was green and the grass was blue when you were younger? ‘Oh I’m sorry’, yeah, whatever dumbass, that’s not you actually realising what’s happened is bad, you’re just parroting. Here’s one for you, repeat after me, ‘I am a dumbass’.
Air quotations are prominent here.
(Tobias): Onto the next dumbass. Hans. You’re a married man but it takes two to tango and you’re playing different tunes. Or three, cos you’ve got the red haired liar in one corner and the face painted nut job in the other. God help you man.
As for help, I feel a little like I’m kicking the man when he’s down but at least he’s man enough to admit he’s going down. He just needs help to do so with dignity. Red Dragon. You were cool, like, when mini disc players were the rage, know what I’m saying?
Onto someone more relevant, one of your students. The fresh blood. The ones that held HWA together don’t you know? Oh you did? Ah, of course, cos they don’t shut up about it, am I right?
Oh I know, that doesn’t narrow down squat. I heard Stu-E describe them all as cookie cutter or something a few weeks ago. I’ll give it to him, when his eyes aren’t obscured by beer goggles, he can be astute.
Eeny meenie miny mo.
One finger taps out ominously at this, at odds with the semi playful nature of what he’s saying.
(Tobias): Jeremy. You’re up first. You’re the type to ask two girls to dance and… well, two guys in your case, whatever. But you ask them both, arrange for the same time and then have to agonise over what one to stand up and what one to go with. Yeah you showed that old fart up that you met in the bar by taking it to Hans, but c’mon man, where there’s smoke there’s fire.
As for who next out of the Terrible Trio.
#### it, let’s do Matt next. Miller Time? That’s appropriate, your matches have me reaching for the fridge to open up a cold one or three dozen. #### me Miller, the closest you’ve come to dominating was when you flushed Maniac’s makeup off and that was outside the ring!
Last but not least, the Nepo of the federation. The diving excuse for why we need signs that say ‘don’t touch this’ and ‘don’t do this as it will end badly for you’, Sean Parker. Honestly Sean, you’ve got some good agility in the air, reminds me of my good self. Only problem is, you spend half the time on the mat convulsing like an epileptic in a night club. You seem to be wanting to shortcut your way to not remembering who you are and what you’ve done in your life… which, I mean, isn’t a lot anyway, so no great loss if you’re asking an outsiders perspective, but listen to the doctors maybe, kay?
Now, have I forgotten any of the male competitors… anyone left worth talking about?
…
…
Apparently there’s these two golem’s who are brothers… ahahahahahaha….
Yeah, moving on.
I can’t take you pair seriously.
Now, onto the women of this federation. I’m all for equal opportunities. Like the men though, the women are falling short.
I’ve talked about Miss Goodie Two Shoes. So up next is her little clique member, Sarah. In fact, no, I can’t talk about you without talking about Alexis. You’re joined at the hip, enemies to friends. It’s cute. And it’s all down to some aggro from the next two. Brair and Lilliana…
I dunno girls, what’s your angle? Does that frown ever get turned upside down? Are you angry at everyone all of the time? You seem like angsty teens who watched Wednesday and decided to lean in on that with a dash of poor anger management.
Speaking of anger management. Last, in more ways than one, Erica. Honey, you’re second fiddle to the redhead and you’re second best in the ring. Ditch the delusions of getting Hans and ditch the pretension that you’re actually learning anything of value from that chuckle#### you hang out with. You’re not learning anything of value from him, apart from how to creep around backstage like a ####ing loser. And given that your ankle isn’t something that you’re going to be able to walk on anytime soon…
Yeah…
Anyway.
You’re all on notice. Every single one of you. Peace out, I’ll see you all before long.
He reaches off camera for something, cutting the feed.
End.
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