(Michelle): Oh my goodness, what a pickle of a match do we have. Luna Rain, I’m excited to be teaming up with you but I must admit I almost feel like a third wheel, you may be on a bit of a personal mission here. I’ve had my experiences with Lilianna and Briar and what they did last week going after your dad, Mr. Draconis like they did…it was very disturbing. Lilianna is such a… a “loose woman” as my grandmother would say. Briar, she’s just a mean girl and together they are just awful individuals. I thought we could welcome them to the division and have some spirited competition but all they seem invested in is having fun and playing games at other people’s expense. I don’t think they even take this business seriously, as least Lilianna doesn’t seem to. I pray for them nonetheless as God has ways of entering people’s hearts and changing them.
That’s why I’m glad to be partnered with you. I know your dad, I know how he’s turned his life around from his early years in the business. God’s blessed him with you and your brother and I see that you both bring greater meaning to his life, at least that’s how I see it. It must be nice having your family there to support you, mine is so far away but I hope you’ll find that along the way you can make some pretty nice friends too, just as I have.
I know you didn’t have the best start here, pushed and pulled in every direction…especially by the Blackthornes and of course…Fallen, all of it getting you into a bit of trouble with the bosses, but I pray you’ve put all of that and them in your rearview mirror. I’ll be at the academy throughout the week, if you’d like to do some training together let me know. It would be nice to finally get to know you.
Michelle sighs and changes her focus…
(Michelle): Brair and Lilianna, all you’ve done is push everyone’s buttons since you came. I don’t understand why. Our division is so small, I don’t understand why you can’t be a positive force in it and help it to grow. I overheard Sensei and Hans speaking the other week about a decline in female main roster recruits since the two of you came onboard. We have no shortage of ladies coming in to go through the academy’s training, but most apparently aren’t looking to remain after because they don’t want to deal with people like you, and even worse…Erica. How awful is that? It’s not too late for you though. As a matter of fact…I was just reading some scripture about…
Michelle’s phone dings breaking her concentration and she looks seeing a text message from Sean and smiles. Something about what was said gives her a sense of urgency.
(Michelle): Unfortunately, I have to go right now, but I’m happy to have fellowship with you at Havoc if you care to listen…I mean really listen. The offer is there, and Luna Rain…I hope to see you soon.
Michelle sends her message, closes the HWA App and pops up trying to decide what to wear for the evening. Sean was coming over and they were going to enjoy a rainy night in with dinner and a movie, and she may show him her progress on Super Mario Deluxe that he got her for Christmas. She loved playing as Princess Peach, it made her giddy. She went into her room and next to the window saw the roses that Sean had gotten her for Valentines Day. They had a set of Mickey ears in them from Disneyland which made her smile, despite the flowers beginning to wilt a bit at this point. Maybe she would dry them and make potpourri if she had the time. She thought of him just as a petal fell and landed on the bible at her desk. A sense of dread hit her. Valentines Day was lovely, it was everything she could have imagined and more but yesterday, hearing the church Prophet discusses Chastity as the days subject…it hit home with her. She sat listening to his words that she vividly recalled now.
“The Lord and His prophets condemn sexual immorality. All sexual relations outside of marriage violate the law of chastity and are physically and spiritually dangerous for those who engage in them.”
It seemed like he was talking directly to her, like a statue or paintings eyes that appeared to follow you as you move. He continued saying…
“They should not participate in conversations or activities that arouse sexual feelings, such as passionate kissing, lying with or on top of another person, or touching the private, sacred parts of another person’s body, with or without clothing.”
This struck her almost as if God himself send a bolt of lightening down upon her head. In the eyes of God, she had not been chaste. She had sinned, on many occasions with Sean. In her head it was innocent kissing, touching, closeness, but what does her head matter or its interpretation against the resolute laws of God. Her head dipped just a little as the Prophet continued.
“However, those who have committed sexual sins can be forgiven by the Lord if they repent. Repentance is difficult, but it is possible. The despair of sin can be replaced with the sweet peace of forgiveness. To learn what is required to repent, we must seek the gospels on “Repentance.”
She had spent the last 24 hours repenting. She felt dirty, unclean for what she had done this past year as if the Lord himself was in the room watching her in her lust and shame. She wanted to talk to someone, but didn’t have anyone to speak with this about. She most certainly could never broach the subject of intimacy or even sex with her parents. Sarah and Alexis both could be no help…they were both sexually active and wouldn’t understand. There was only one person she might confide in, knowing he was judgement free and genuinely cared for others. She grabbed her phone and dialed. The phone rang and went to voicemail. She almost hung up but found the courage to leave a message.
(Michelle): Hi Mr. Hans…I mean Hans, it’s Michelle. I’m sorry to bother you….I was hoping to talk to you about something. It’s silly really, but I don’t have anyone else to confide in and once again a man’s perspective would be helpful to me. Could you give me a call when you get a chance, or maybe I’ll see you at the academy this week….ummm….okay…bye.
She looked at the clock and was nervous. How could she have agreed to an evening alone with Sean? How could she have refused? She began to change and talked to herself as she did so and tidied up around the house. She kept an immaculate home so there really wasn’t much to do, she just gave herself nervous busy work.
(Michelle): You’ve done it now Sister Learner, the way he looked at you in church yesterday….maybe the whole congregation knows. I wonder if anyone could tell. I’m so ashamed, so embarrassed. All we’ve done is kiss and hold one another, we got touchy once….just one time, but….I should have known better. I’m such a hypocrite….calling Lilianna “loose” when I’m no better in the eyes of God.
What am I going to tell Sean? How can I tell him we’re not supposed to even kiss as we do? It’s not fair...I did the complete opposite of what I wanted to do. I told him that I didn’t want to tease him, and now look. I’ve sinned, and have to repent…I must repent. But I don’t want to hurt him.
She thinks of becoming a bit aroused to his touch. The one time she guided his hand to her breast, how she told him she wanted him to touch her to erase Fallen’s taint. She begins to cry dropping to her knees.
(Michelle): Oh heavenly father, forgive your humble servant of her sins. I am but a weak disciple father praying to receive the strength to see your will be done as it is written, but…
While her social bubble had burst a few years ago after leaving Utah, there were still many things in this world that were knew to her. She dared not question the word of God, but her experiences had led her to feel…other things. In Sunday’s sermon the Prophet continued speaking on sexuality. From the Book of Mormon he read…
“Like other violations of the law of chastity, homosexual activity is a serious sin. It is contrary to the purposes of human sexuality. It distorts loving relationships and prevents people from receiving the blessings that can be found in family life and the saving ordinances of the gospel.”
She cried and cried and shook her head as if to expel the thoughts from it, talking once more to herself…or perhaps praying…she wasn’t sure at this point.
(Michelle): …but how can it be such a sin? How can it distort loving relationships. Matt and Jeremy are so…they’re so beautiful and loving together. They really care for one another, is that wrong? How can that be wrong? Alexis is seeing someone, I’m sure she’s in a loving relationship too, is that wrong? God help me, help to understand thy word. Help me to live by thy word, I want to be righteous, I want to be chaste, I want to…
She was just muttering at this point as tears fell. She felt like a winter log split in two, so divided but she shouldn’t be. The word was clear, it was absolute, and she had broken it. Was it that cut and dry? It had to be, but it couldn’t be. Why did she even call Hans, she thought if this was true. Sean would be here soon, what was she to do. She imagined the confusion or even hurt on his face if she were to recoil when he went to kiss her. It broke her heart the remote possibility of even bringing any harm to his. He felt so right, but right now…she felt so guilty.
(Michelle): Who wants a girlfriend they can’t kiss, can’t touch, who’s forbidden from thinking about him in any intimate way? Can I even tell him I love him? Pull yourself together Michelle…I’ll figure this out. I have to figure this out. Oh god, I’m talking to myself….I’m starting to sound like Maniac.
Michelle wipes her eyes and starts to compose herself. She knit-picked around the house to the point where she’d have to find something to do so there was no point in trying to waste time that way. A hot shower and a vanilla-lavender bomb might help. Looking at the clock one more time there was still almost an hour before Sean came. She hoped the shower would wash away the clutter in her head and leave here with some clarity. She entered the bathroom and turned the shower on, beginning to undress. Just as she did her phone rang on the bed. She didn’t hear it over the shower running, and by the time she got out in her rush to get ready it would still go unnoticed that she had missed a call, and that as it rang…it’s screen read Hans von Richtoven.
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