She needed his advice, and she wanted to see Vanessa, who she hadn’t seen in months, so this invitation to their home was impossible to ignore. She was buzzed in at the gate when she arrived and rolled into the turnaround driveway of their beautiful home. Vanessa was outside on the front doorstep a thick, cozy looking sweater wrapped around her and Michelle got out of the car and was greeted with the biggest hug she’s had in a long time.
(Vanessa): Mmmmm….it’s so good to see, I’m so glad you came…come on…let’s get out of the cold. We have the fireplace on, you can get warm.
Vanessa hooked her arm into hers and walked her inside. Instantly her heart was ready to burst. The warmth, the fragrance…it felt like a home. They walked through the main entryway through the common area to the main living room. On the sofa where she had been curled up reading was the book “The Body Keeps The Score” by Bessel van der Kolk. She held it up for Michelle to see the cover.
(Vanessa): I’m on the last chapter, it’s been amazing. My therapist recommended it, and I’ve really found some calm and healing through it. As a matter of fact, you should take it with you, I’m sure I’ll finish by the time you leave.
(Michelle): Oh, no I couldn’t.
(Vanessa): Nonsense, you’re taking it.
Michelle smiles weakly.
(Vanessa): Hans will be right down, he knows you’re here…he was just finishing a call.
Her eyes darted around looking at the décor. She can’t help but imagine this being the same space that Erica had broken in to and defiled. It looked pristine, as if nothing or no one had ever scared it.
(Vanessa): Wait right here.
Vanessa excused herself and a few seconds later Michelle could hear heavier footsteps coming down the stairs. As Hans turned the corner he looked over into the living area and smiled, seeing Michelle. As he headed over Vanessa returned with a charcuterie board for them to nibble on, and two Topo Chico’s. The consummate gentlemen he was, Hans rose to give her a peck on the lips.
(Hans): Danke meine Liebe.
Vanessa looks over at Michelle…
(Vanessa): If he starts to bore or annoy you, you let me know…I’ll come to the rescue!
Vanessa grabs her book and heads off upstairs. Michelle was nervous, he was the kindest man she knew, but there was a steely demeanor about Hans as well that was at times intimidating. The warmth of the fireplace helped to make her a little comfortable.
(Michelle): Thank you for inviting me, you really didn’t have to take the time, you’re so busy…I could have done with a phone call.
(Hans): I’m sorry it’s taken so long, I would have had you and others over before but…
(Michelle): I know!
(Hans): Jah!
Hans sighs and grabs a stem of grapes and a slice of prosciutto.
(Hans): So, what’s on your mind?
(Michelle): I don’t know where to begin, at first it was this thing with Sean, but then Havoc came along and…I just feel like I’m….I don’t know if I’m making the right decisions. Everything feels right in the moment in my heart, but then everything speaks to the contrary after and there’s nothing but doubts. Does that make any sense?
(Hans): Jah, das tut es...
He stops himself, realizing who he's with.
(Hans): Sorry. Too used to Vanessa knowing what I'm saying even when I dip in and out of English.
He pops a grape into his mouth quickly. With the other hand, he gestures at Michelle.
(Hans): But jah, I know what you mean. I don't think you can live this life and not have those thoughts... I mean, don't get me wrong, it's not unique to those in this industry, nein, not at all... just...
The hand he's gestured at Michelle with now waves around the room that they're in.
(Hans): This place is our home, our solitude, yet how many people have seen inside and know what it looks like? So jah, it makes sense Michelle.
Michelle's gaze shifts down, she feels meek and embarrassed then looks up at Hans.
(Michelle): About Havoc...I know a lot of you have issues with Maniac, he's been no saint I know, but I do believe him. I do believe he's changed, he has been different and just because someone suffers from a mental disorder or even if it were some other physical disability doesn't mean we should persecute them for their past. You've known him longer than anyone...am I wrong? He's a human being...doesn't he deserve a second chance? God forgives, it is "divine" ...it’s our very responsibility to walk in his footsteps.
She fidgets a little and nervously grabs a cracker and some cheese. She was a teeny bit hungry, and it was a delicious assortment Vanessa had put together. There were even black figs and baked brie with candied walnuts, and she helped herself to a small serving.
(Michelle): The fans...they booed me, they booed me and I know we trained for this...I know we were instructed on how to handle crowd reactions, but it’s my first time experiencing it myself. I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt. Maybe I took it for granted that people have seemed to like me until now. I can't even look at the comments online anymore...some of them are just awful and mean.
A knowing look is Hans' immediate response to that, followed soon after by a low sigh as he leans back into his chair, eyes glazing over for a moment as he thinks back on moments in his own life where he's had that response. He lets Michelle take a bite and enjoy the various food before responding.
(Hans): One thing we should really make clear at the Academy, is to never engage online in the comments... you'll never change opinions, some are bad faith actors and trolls and it's a game to them... jah, just... just don't Michelle.
Extricating his iPhone from his left pocket, he holds it up.
(Hans): This thing, blessing unt a curse at times. Remember what I told you last year? Pick your moments. You unt Sean, Jeremy, the new blood... you grew up with this, it's how HWA got itself out there for years, but... step back at times, jah? Sean with his streaming, Jeremy with his 'ask me anything' on Reddit... you do something the herd doesn't like, unt that's it. You get both barrels.
The phone is gently placed on the side table, Hans turning his attention to the board, grabbing another few grapes.
(Hans): As for Herr Chaos... jah, he's human...
(Michelle): I'm not as naive as people say, but I answer to a higher power. Sometimes, I just don't see how compatible my life is with my profession. I've made everyone upset at me, especially Sarah and Jeremy. Matt and Sean are like brothers, I have to assume that some part of him wanted to do the same thing to Maniac and join them.
She begins to tear just a little.
(Michelle): "Hypocrite" they're calling me...maybe I am, but I tried to stop Sean too, I did...he was....he was just so angry...like Jeremy. Maybe I made the wrong decision. Everything is so different now than it was just over a year ago...maybe I don't fit in anymore. I seem to keep upsetting people.
(Hans): In some professions that would be the mark of someone doing their job, being a disrupter, challenging the norms... upsetting people...
A smile forms, genuine warmth emanating from him.
(Hans): Unt I think you are doing your job Michelle. I'd have been fortunate to have someone like you around back in '05... very fortunate indeed. Sean unt Jeremy, they'll realize that in time.
The last of the grapes he has in his hand is popped into his mouth, chewed then swallowed in short order.
(Hans): As for compatibility? When you find the answer, tell me. Erica made our lives hell for the last half year... yet, I'm still on the roster...
A snort of disbelief escapes him, as he chuckles at the moment of self-reflection and almost absurdity of it all. He'd just made her smile with what he said, a little laugh escaped her and it felt good.
(Michelle): She's....she's a handful. I feel so terrible for her, she's had such a hard life and has this oversized chip on her shoulder, she's hurting inside anyone can tell. I just pray for her, if someone like Maniac can change I know she can and maybe he can help her. Ummmm....
She fidgets again, her face going a bit flush with red.
(Michelle): There is one other thing I wanted to ask you about, it's...well...we kind of talked about it before but...it's silly, embarrassing really.
(Hans): I watched a grown man throw a hissy fit that any child would struggle to match the other night. That was embarrassing.
This time he grabs a cracker and some cheese.
(Hans): So…. I’m sure it can’t be any worse than that.
(Michelle): Well, remember when I asked you about how you and Vanessa managed as a couple in this business? Sean and I have been dating for almost a year now, and he's such a gentleman. We ummm...Oh God this is so embarrassing...
It's apparent how nervous she is as she fidgets and shifts in her seat,
(Michelle): We've been intimate, nothing serious……….but I'm afraid I've gone too far. The doctrine on this sort of thing is very clear and I must find forgiveness for the things I've done, I just....I don't know how to tell Sean. I think he'd understand but I never meant to tease him as if we were building up to something. I can't...I just can't do.....those things, but I love him and I enjoy our closeness...I don't want him to be disappointed.
Hans in some ways was like an uncle she could confide in, or an older brother really. She looked at him with pleading eyes as if he had all the answers and in one way or another would say the perfect thing to ease her mind.
(Hans): I don't need to know specifics... keep it like that Meatloaf song...
He swallows the piece of cracker and cheese he'd had in his mouth.
(Hans): You say you've 'gone too far'... so, was it uncomfortable at the time, or was it on reflection? Do you unt Sean speak about things before hand, or is it more...
He slides his hands together, removing any crumbs. His tongue prods the insides of his mouth, ensuring no loose remains are there.
(Hans): … 'on the fly', if you get me?
She nearly jumps in her seat...
(Michelle): Oh...Oh goodness No...we haven't....we haven't had......S.....E....X!
She spells the word out by letter in a low whisper.
(Michelle): Oh No, nothing of the sort, but you see...even kissing to a degree is really forbidden. If I were back home, it’s a near unforgivable thing to have almost any form of intimacy, even impure thoughts is considered immoral. I just feel comfortable with Sean. Again...we haven't done "anything" he's a perfect gentleman, but I'm struggling. Ever since I left home, the world is so much bigger than I imagined and I've seen and been exposed to so many things that I can't help but question.
(Hans): Scheiße…
He coughs, covering his mouth with one hand as he does so, politely making time before he follows up.
He'd expected, well... not 'this'.
(Hans): So, it's a... a... waiting for marriage situation, jah? For you at least Michelle.
A small pause, hesitant to add the next few words, but, she was here to ask for advice, so no sense in dancing around it if this is what she's ultimately wanting to discuss.
(Hans): Unt you questioning... is that whether Sean is that... that one?
(Michelle): Oh no, I mean...I am waiting for marriage, but nothing like that, No...Sean is wonderful. I guess I'm torn between the realities I see before me and the faith I've known and lived by my whole life. What do they call it….a "crisis of faith?" The more and more I'm in the business the less it seems to align with my faith. Are you a religious man?
(Hans): Ah, gut, sehr gut. You’re a good pair…
A small smile.
(Hans): Would have hated knowing something he didn’t.
He releases a breath the didn’t know he’d been holding in.
(Hans): Am I religious though?
He pauses for a moment, before gently reaching in under the collar of his top, bringing a small silver pendant into view. He moves himself forward on his chair, closer to Michelle who leans in, curious at what he’s wearing.
(Hans): I got this from mein mutti before I left home. Saint Christopher, patron saint of athletes and travellers, among others. She wanted me to be protected.
Flicking it gently with one finger, it turns around, the light bouncing off it.
(Hans): I’ve had it ever since… but it’s because it was my mother that gave me it. And so it’s meaningful for that reason that I carry it still. So in answer, no, I’m not religious. I don’t subscribe to your organized churches and beliefs, I don’t listen to people telling me ‘their’ god is the one true god above all the other interpretations…
He places the pendant back against his skin under the collar, sitting back in his chair as he does so.
(Hans): I don’t need to be told of a hell to try to be a good person, jah?
(Michelle): Oh...I see.
Hoping to find answers with him, she suddenly seems to have only more questions. He wasn't religious, how then might he understand her plight, she wondered. Did he believe in God at all? She didn't want to ask, so shifted to another subject. This was obviously something she was going to have to struggle with alone. She smiles at him...
(Michelle): Well, you're definitely a good person. Me? The fans don't seem to think so anymore. When we left the arena the other night, we were attacked. They said horrible things and threw stuff at the car. I feel like I've been so fortunate to have built a nice following up, it took a lot of effort for me to open up to fans and engage them more and now I don't think I can, or want to. I know people get criticized, but is this normal? How do you deal with it?
(Hans): You are a good person too Michelle, unt das fans? They're not angry at you per se, they're angry that Maniac unt Erica didn't get what they feel they deserve. They smelled blood unt das colosseum erupted...
A small sigh, Hans leaning back towards her, placing his elbows on his thighs, hands clasped together in front of him.
(Hans): Again, I'd have been fortunate to have someone like you around back in '05... Sean unt Jeremy, Matt too, they'll be heated, but they'll come around. Is it normal? Can be, jah. How do I deal with it? Digital detox works well...
He smiles at her, trying to lighten the mood.
(Hans): But I find what works best is being able to know that I took the right actions and can stand by them. I'm doing them because I want to. I can articulate why I did them. That helps me sleep at night, even in a business where we're encouraged to have flashpoints and feuds that test things like friendships...
He nods his head towards where his wife had exited the room earlier.
(Hans): … unt marriage even.
Michelle takes his hand, knowing the difficulties they'd had, squeezing it.
(Hans): A question for you Michelle. You've made clear why you didn't want Herr Chaos harmed... have you thought about why you didn't want Sean unt Jeremy specifically to continue though? Have you told them why you didn't want them carrying on?
(Michelle): Sean and I haven't really talked about it. He said he supports me no matter what and maybe I selfishly left it at that, I was relieved really. I haven't talked to Jeremy or Sarah, I know they're mad at me and honestly I'm afraid to ask. I guess I didn't want them to do whatever they had in mind because I didn't want to see my friends in trouble, or regret it afterwards. They're not violent people, and I know he's really upset a lot of people, but this isn't how we were taught to settle our differences.
She brushes her hair back and grabs more crackers, a slice of apple and some brie.
(Michelle): I just didn't expect the backlash, I never imagined the fans being so......nasty! It's hurtful really.
(Hans): I know, they can be cruel just as much as they can be the extra edge that pushes you on.
He grabs himself a slice of apple, snapping it in half before popping one piece into his mouth.
(Hans): Jeremy unt Sarah... same as Sean... I think they need to hear you say that Michelle. I think that will make a difference. From their side, right now, all they know is they've all suffered at the hands of this man for the best part of a year, then one of their own suddenly breaks from the group and the only thing they hear is 'but Herr Chaos is different', not, 'I don't want you to hurt yourselves doing this, I don't want you regretting what you do'...
A small pause, Michelle looking down at the floor, taking it in.
(Hans): Maybe that changes things, maybe it doesn't. But what won't help is saying nothing, because then whatever they're thinking now, it hardens, and you'll never get through to them.
(Michelle): You're probably right, I owe it to them to at least. Thank You! Whew!
She huffs out a blow of air as if she'd has come relief, at least a path forward. Her eyes shift back to Hans.
(Michelle): I guess I kind of understand where they're coming from, when we get upset we do silly things. Just last week, I told Sean I was signing up for Ring Master...how silly was that? I know they said its open to everyone, but really...what chance do I really have? Me...HWA Champion? Not with guys like you in there, Maniac, Mr. Draconis and Mr. Price.
She laughs at herself thinking on it.
(Michelle): Sean going off to Scotland and this whole surgery thing caught me off guard, I was just reacting...it's silly really.
(Hans): It's not silly, it's human nature mein liebling… sorry, my dear...
The second half of the apple slice is thrown into his mouth and swallowed sharply.
(Hans): Emotions run high in this place, we're human, we're not mind readers and even when we're acting from the position of good intent, it doesn't always seem that way. That new one, Tobias, he's at least open with his disdain for everyone, Herr Price, he's open that he's doing it for Laney... others, not so...
An appraising look flits over his face, sizing Michelle up.
(Hans): As for Ringmaster, jah, good for you. So you should. You have as much chance as anyone else, das ist the beauty and the pain of the draw. You keep showing the skillset you have and pushing yourself, you shouldn't doubt yourself to go far.
(Michelle): I'll think about it, I don't want to be hasty.
Her head tilts slightly as a smile broadens on her face. It's the most at calm she's felt in the past few days and while she still had tons of personal questions to sort out, she was very grateful for Hans' council.
(Michelle): I should get going, I've taken up enough of your time already and I'm really so thankful for you being there for me. How is...
Her eyes dart upstairs...
(Michelle): How is she? Will we see her back soon?
(Hans): That?
His head follows Michelle's look, back towards where his wife would be.
(Hans): I honestly don't know. I hope so, she loved it, she truly did. She's started to fill her time with other things, but it's like she keeps something back, anything she's doing now is nothing that can't be dropped or moved to one side... her and Jason are still like this...
He crosses his fingers.
(Hans): So, she knows more about what's going on than I do still...
A wistful look flits over his features.
(Hans): I hope so.
He turns his attention back to Michelle.
(Hans): And you're not imposing Michelle. Have you actually eaten? Any plans for tonight?
(Michelle): I haven't been very hungry the past few days, and I'm waiting to hear from Sean when he's headed off for this surgery, it could be any day now so I haven't made much in the way of plans.
(Hans): Well, why don't you come upstairs with me, we'll see what Vanessa is doing, and you can catch up with her while I make dinner. If you want to eat then, you're more than welcome to join us.
(Michelle): Are you sure?
She nearly lights up inside at the thought of it.
(Michelle): I'd be happy to, thank you much.
Michelle rises from the sofa and turns giving Hans a big hug.
(Michelle): Thank you...for everything! Here, let me help with this...
She bends down to grab the tray to contribute to cleaning up. Hans gently moves her hands away from the tray.
(Hans): Nein, nein…. you go upstairs, she'll be in the reading nook, turn left, second door on the right, I'll get this.
Michelle smiles and nods doing as instructed. They really had a lovely home here in LA, she wondered if she and Sean would some day too. Seeing theirs, knowing the road they’ve traveled over the years to get to this point…it gave her hope and with her spirits somewhat lifted at this point she headed upstairs to chat with Vanessa as Hans prepared dinner below and the scene fades to black.
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