Paul Lynde: That the girls would be turned off by his big nuts!
Peter Marshall: Can you get 12 pounds of feathers out of a goose?
Paul Lynde: I got them in there, didn't I?
(This next one is heard on a TV set in the 1979 Peter Sellers movie Being There)
Peter Marshall: There's tennis elbow, there's jogger's knee, and there's swimmer's...swimmer's what?
Paul Lynde: All I can think of is trunks!
Peter Marshall: According to the old song, "At night, when you're asleep, into your tent I'll creep." Who am I?
Paul Lynde: The scoutmaster!
Peter Marshall: In television, who lived in Doodyville?
Paul Lynde: Oh, the Ty-De-Bowl Man.
Peter Marshall: When Burt Reynolds saw his pictures in "Cosmopolitan," he said he had something that reminded him of Roy Rogers. What was it?
Paul Lynde: Saddle sores...they both spend so much time in the saddle!
Peter Marshall: According to research at USC, is it okay for your marriage to fantasize that your wife is Farrah Fawcett Majors?
Paul Lynde: If that doesn't work, try Lee Majors!
Peter Marshall: Paul, Poe's The Raven said, "Nevermore." What did Gilbert and Sullivan's Dickie Bird say?
Paul Lynde: Let's not wallow in Watergate.
Peter Marshall: You've gone from egg, to larvae, to pupae. What's next?
Paul Lynde: A shave and a shower and off to work!
(laughter, then Lynde grapples with the real answer)
You're a bug! I mean, what's next? You're, you're, what do you call it when you're out of pupae?
You've arrived, you've, you've arrived! I mean, you're it! I don't know what you call it, maybe a cocoon--no, that's like a pupae!
You're an adult, I mean...you're a big bug!
Peter Marshall: Who are Mark Trail, Steve Roper and Tank McNamara?
Paul Lynde: Oh, you found my address book!
(from a 1979 show featuring current-day pop stars...Chaka Khan has discussed the baby she just had)
Peter Marshall: Chaka, don't listen to Paul!
Paul Lynde: I just told her she lost a chunka Chaka!
Peter Marshall: To Roy Rogers, what is Cowboy Heaven?
Paul Lynde: Seven minutes with Tammy Wynette!
Peter Marshall: Paul, what is the primary problem that develops with men's zippers?
Paul Lynde: Rust.
Peter Marshall: Paul, what do you call a group of germs?
Paul Lynde: A panzer division.
Peter Marshall: Is it possible to drink too much water?
Paul Lynde: Yes, it's called drowning!
Peter Marshall: True or false: according to the White House chefs, if the President had his way, daily lunch would consist of nothing more than a sandwich and a beer.
Paul Lynde: Even in public school?
Peter Marshall: Paul, who was famous for saying, "On King, on huskies"?
Paul Lynde: Queen Mary.
Peter Marshall: According to Motion Picture Magazine, who is Richard Nixon's favorite actor?
Paul Lynde: Got to be Ronald Reagan.
Peter Marshall: True or false, Dan Rowan hasn't spoken to either his daughter or Peter Lawford since their marriage?
Paul Marshall: I don't think anyone has seen them except for room service.
Peter Marshall: Mama Cass Ellott has an official royal title. What is it?
Paul Lynde: Tubby!
Peter Marshall: The state of New York is repainting something that will be 90 next may. What are they repainting?
Paul Lynde: It's either Arlene Francis...no...I wish I looked like she did at 90.
Peter Marshall: During the 18th century it was common for a bride to sell something at her wedding reception to help pay for the cost of the wedding. What did she sell?
Paul Lynde: Her first born.
Peter Marshall: Is Billy Graham considered a good dresser?
Paul Lynde: No, but he's a terrific end table.
Peter Marshall: Under the right circumstances, could a 100 year old man father a child?
Paul Lynde: With a nurse and maybe a mortician standing by.
Peter Marshall: True or false, Guatemala once declared war on Germany.
Paul Lynde: Yes, and it's a good thing Germany never found out!
Peter Marshall: Pride, anger, covetousness--I can never say that--lust, gluttony, envy, and sloth are collectively known as what?
Paul Lynde: The Bill of Rights.
Peter Marshall: The U.S. will soon reportedly share a secret with Japan. What is it?
Paul Lynde: The location of the Pacific Fleet.
Peter Marshall: In what state was Abraham Lincoln born?
Paul Lynde: In what state? Well, like all of us naked and screaming!
Peter Marshall: Why was Daniel thrown to the den of lions?
Paul Lynde: For jaywalking in Jerusalem.
Peter Marshall: You are leaving Hawaii by boat. Legend says that you'll return if you do something. Do what?
Paul Lynde: I guess have Don Ho's baby.
Peter Marshall: According to Mythology, if a Sphinx asked a man a question, and the man answered it incorrectly, what woud happen?
Paul Lynde: Circle gets the square.
Peter Marshall: The newest best selling album by this top star is entitled "To Russell, My Brother, Whom I Slept With". Who's the recording star?
Paul Lynde: Little Baby Rose Marie.
Rose Marie: Oh, shut up!
Peter Marshall: On radio, Margo Lane knew something about young, handsome, wealthy Lamont Cranston. In fact, she knew about Lamont Cranston, things that no one else knew. What was it?
Paul Lynde: Lamont Cranston? That his bellybutton was an outsie.
(laughter, then Peter re-reads the question)
Paul: Uh, as I remember he was afraid of heights. (more laughter) Okay, I'll go for another one, let's see...Lamont Cranston was afraid of something?
Peter (laughing): No, I didn't say that! I said Margo Lane knew something about young, handsome Lamont Cranston on radio that no one else knew. What was it?
Paul: That he was already married! (more laughter)
Peter: Rosalyn, I'll offer you the question, obviously Paul does not have a very good bluff.
(Correct answer: Lamont Cranston was "The Shadow")
Peter Marshall: Olivia De Havilland once sat on something in a movie that Roy Rogers says he
grew to love. What is it?
Paul Lynde: A box of Milk Duds.
Peter Marshall: Bing Crosby and Fred Astaire recently announced that after 30 years, they're
going to do something together one more time. What?
Paul Lynde: Trade hairpieces.
Peter Marshall: Ann Landers recently wrote a book titled "How To Tell The Difference Between Love And..." what?
Paul Lynde: A kidney infection.
Peter Marshall: According to the song classic, "Things aren't always as bad as they seem if you..." do what?
Paul Lynde: Put a bag over her head.
Peter Marshall: Way up in the frozen north, what was Eric The Red's famous discovery?
Paul Lynde: Little Boy Blue.
Peter: Do baby elephants nurse?
Paul: That's why you should never go topless on an African beach.
Peter Marshall: President Johnson had a personal butler in the White House; so did presidents
Kennedy and Nixon. Does President Ford also have a butler?
Paul Lynde: Yes, he doubles as the Secretary Of Agriculture.
Peter Marshall: Richard Burton wants one very much, but Liz is reported to be afraid to give him one. One what?
Paul Lynde: The Certs breath test.
Peter Marshall: According to Coronet, do most men feel uneasy around women with really large breasts?
Paul Lynde: Yes, they run for cover.
Peter Marshall: Does Mark Spitz believe swimming in the nude helps you go faster?
Paul Lynde: Well, it's easy to steer.
Peter Marshall: President Washington once said quote "I would rather be in my grave than
Paul Lynde: Grant's tomb.
Peter Marshall: The book of Proverbs in the Bible tells us that there is one thing that remains
firm forever. What is it?
Paul Lynde: A topless Eskimo.
Peter Marshall: Teddy Roosevelt maintained that he had something removed from two United
States coins purely for the sake of art. What?
Paul Lynde: Oh! The bottom half of the buffalo.
Peter Marshall: Modern science can't really explain why, but if you go outside at night, stand on your head, and stare at the full moon, you will notice something unusual. What?
Paul Lynde: Yes, in 8 seconds, rain will fill up your nose.
Peter Marshall: Eddie Fisher says that he hasn't had one in eight years, but he's looking. For what?
Paul Lynde: Oh, an accompanist who takes Mastercharge.
Peter Marshall: Can we get heat from stars?
Paul Lynde: You will if I have to share my dressing room again! (wild laughter from audience)
Peter Marshall: Who are you sharing it with now?
Paul Lynde: Big Bird and Oscar.
Peter Marshall: Howard Cosell's wife recently said in an interview that her husband tells her this at least five times a day. What does he say to her?
Paul Lynde: Is my toupee back from the cleaners?
Peter Marshall: True or false, Paul...champagne glasses were designed to resemble Marie Antoinette's bosom?
Paul Lynde: And we have Karen (Valentine) to thank for the shot glass!
Peter Marshall: According to Compton's Encyclopedia, when Columbus returned from his famous trip, he brought Queen Isabella six naked savages, some animals, some plants, and something valuable. What was it?
Paul Lynde: I'll say the six naked savages.
Peter Marshall: Julie Nixon Eisenhower recently told reporters "You don't know what a relief it is not to worry about having them around all the time!". What are "they?"
Paul Lynde: Oh, Mom and Dad.
Peter Marshall: Paul, why are forest rangers in remote locations ordering goats as standard equipment?
Paul Lynde: Because the sheep are wising up?
Peter Marshall: From what animal do you get silk blouses?
Paul Lynde: An animal to you, Peter, but kind and generous to me.
Peter Marshall: When is it a good idea tp put your pantyhose in the microwave oven for two minutes? Paul Lynde: When your house is surrounded by the police.
Peter Marshall: You're marrying a man who's been married before. According to the book "Everyday Ettiquette", is it all right to wear a veil?
Paul Lynde: No, I'm just gonna wear a baseball cap.
Peter Marshall: You get a headache right after romance. According to Dr. Thotusen, is there anything wrong with you?
Paul Lynde: No, but I need a softer headboard.
Peter Marshall: Is using an electric vibrating machine a good way to lose weight?
Paul Lynde: That's what I told the saleslady, but she just winked.
Peter Marshall: In the Bible, King David asked beautiful and wise Abigail to do something after her first husband died. What?
Paul Lynde: Get him out of the room.
Peter Marshall: You've got a secret. Acording to psychologists, if you're average, will you probably tell it to a man or to a woman?
Paul Lynde: If I tell it to a man, he might hit me.
Peter Marshall: Has a court ever awarded a woman half a million dollares because her husband was no longer able to leave her romantically satisfied?
Paul Lynde: All the jury had to see was Exhibit A.
Peter Marshall: In the United States, what do we call the number one followed by 12 zeros?
Paul Lynde: Dean Martin And The Golddiggers.
Peter Marshall: True or false, according to the Bible, you are a sinner?
Paul Lynde: As long as they spelled my name right.