Posted by another one on May 9, 2008, 2:40 pm, in reply to "children...hhhhmmmm...."
I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over
> the past year.
>
>
> Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without
> using a paper towel.
>
>
>
> I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what
> the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie
> channels.
>
>
> I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only
> imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
>
>
>
> I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore
> because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty
> germs including feces.
>
>
>
>
> I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving
> because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your
> nose (Although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)
>
>
>
>
> Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
> imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
>
> I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the
> floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!
>
>
>
> I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about
> poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge
> with every envelope that needs sealing.
>
>
>
> Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
> reason.
>
>
>
> I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl
> (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th
> time.
>
>
>
>
> I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I
> receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me
> for participating in their special e-mail program.
>
>
>
> I no longer worry about my soul because I have
> 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has
> granted my every wish.
>
>
> I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
> mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
>
>
> I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like
> a water buffalo on a hot day.
>
>
>
> Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if
> I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
> minutes.
>
>
> Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
> remove toilet stains.
>
>
>
> I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch
> the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm
> pumping gas.
>
>
>
> I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make
> these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their
> cans.
>
>
> I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes
> cancer.
>
>
>
> And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the
> microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me
> for life.
>
>
>
> I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
> pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
>
> I can no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me
> with a perfume sample and rob me.
>
>
>
> I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are
> actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
>
>
>
> I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support
> our American troops or the Salvation Army.
>
>
>
> I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
> number for which I will get an enormous phone bill with calls to
> Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .
>
>
>
>
> I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now
> have their recipe.
>
>
>
>
> Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
> brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant
> death when it bites my ass.
>
>
>
>
> And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00
> dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a
> sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
>
> I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain
> gas companies!
>
> If you don't s end this via e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the
> next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at
> 5:00 PM tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest
> your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.
> I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my
> next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
> beautician...
>
>
>
> Have a wonderful day...
>
> Oh by the way.....
>
>
>
> A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has
> discovered that people with an unsatisfying sex life read messages on message boards
> with their hand on the mouse.
>
>
>
> Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late
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