HWA Message Board: Spa Day

Open scene.

We’re in a spa, a non-descript yet well apportioned spa.

Sitting back in a wicker chair, white fluffy robe on, and with gel patches under his eyes and a masseuse standing behind him intend on giving him a scalp massage, you’d be forgiven for thinking that he’d interrupt this to vent on camera.

You’d be wrong.

At a gesture, the camera moves in and he begins.

(Tobias): You find me here, resting, recovering, preparing…

A low intake of breath follows, his chest rising and then falling slowly.

(Tobias): Preparing for not just my inevitable rise to the top, no…

It’s almost a snarl, as the facade drops.

(Tobias): But also for the complete and utter horses*t I’m going to have to deal with when that mutant runs his mouth on his podcast…

The head drops into his hands for a moment, before a long and very drawn out sigh comes from him. He slowly leans back, dropping the hands to his lap.

(Tobias): On the one hand, it’s clear that management have excellent taste, as they acquired me… but I’m beginning to think that that was more by accident, given their other recent talent signings…

It’s like, do they want to succeed? Do they want to drag this company up the ladder of success and sustain it? Because if so, they have a funny way of showing it.

Another theatrical sigh.

Off camera, a hand appears, holding a chilled bottle of Evian that’s already opened for him.

Snatching the bottle without even looking or offering thanks, Tobias takes a drink.

(Tobias): But it’s fine. I showed I can carry this company. If it wasn’t for me, Maniac wouldn’t have made it past the first round. God knows why he’s one of the top stars, it’s quite beyond me given that he may have been someone of note twenty odd years ago… but buddy… c’mon…

Look at what it took to bring me down. I suffered more adversity out there in two matches than anyone else, even Prince Nepo himself.

Speaking of which, congrats on losing again Sean. Lost out and threw your toys out the pram for good measure.

Do you know what your schtick is buddy? It’s to be on an endless loop, getting so far in and then breaking, being reset and having to have start all over again. It’s the story of your life and God do you make sure that we know about it…

Out comes the mocking accent, the air quotations, the exaggerated expressions.

(Tobias): Did we know that you had had your back broken and you had to spend so many years in a wheelchair? You never knew if you were ever going to wrestle again? Oh really? Sean f*ck me how did I not know that you’ve never talked about this once…

The only thing, and I mean only thing that’s unique about you, is that each time out, you do a rebranding and use it as something to crow about because you sure as hell can’t point to any actual accomplishment of note.

This time it’s the sky assassin. Last time it was the leader of the pack, the ‘us v. them’, before that it was… well, it was irrelevant, wasn’t it, you were off air… and the time before that it was as AC James’ little b*tch boy.

A tap of the chin, as if pondering for a moment.

(Tobias): And next time… hmm, let me think… I think I know exactly what it’s going to be. You’re going to rebrand as the “One Man Tartan Army”, aren’t you? God knows those retard fans love a story don’t they? They love a sequel. A shitty, cash-grab, plotless sequel…

And well buddy, who could blame you?

Another sip of the Evian follows, Tobias thoroughly into the swing of things.

(Tobias): Even a blind person could see that for all his showmanship against Cody… and excessive steroid use, your uncle is not getting any younger and you seem the type of person who really needs to have a legacy… so why not take his. You certainly can’t earn one any other way.

Unlike me. Duh.

A ‘what can you do about it’ shrug and expression both occur, Tobias basking in his humbleness.

(Tobias): But enough about you Sean. You’re not a champ. You’re not a survivor. You’re not a fighter. You’re a footnote in someone else’s story. My story, inevitably. Much like what this retard I’m going to be facing at Havoc will be. It’s the only way you’re all going to be successful. Not because of your own accomplishments, but by being associated with mine.

And why is that? Because I’m the man that the younger you dreamed of, but could never achieve. For you Sean, it’s because I’m not stupid enough to break my back. And for you… Flipper… it’s because I didn’t eat my crayons when I was in kindergarten.

Be better, the pair of you. I don’t hold out hope though.

A shooing motion follows, as he dismisses the camera crew as the scene fades to black.