I had driven over to Culver City to pick up food from Natalie Thai. We loved that place. The Heavenly Combo, the Pad Thai, the Panang Beef…everything. It was enough for 5 people, and it took every ounce of my being not to stick my finger in the bag during the drive to Matt’s place, the smell was incredible as always. I got to his apartment, parked and took the elevator up. The hallways had that smell and gleam of freshly polished floors and every step towards his door on the tile made my heart fluttered as it always did. The incredible way he made me feel, it was almost embarrassing to blush this much.

My parents had invited us sailing for the weekend. They had bought a new boat and wanted us to join its maiden voyage. It would be cutting it close to Havoc, a really quick turnaround, but I hesitantly agreed. Matt’s eyes had lit up at the thought of just cruising along, soaking up the sun on the deck of a boat and not having a care in the world…how could I deny him that? Afterall, my folks adored him and wouldn’t take “No” for an answer anyway. I got to his door and opened it with my key. We had exchanged house keys some time ago, it seemed like a natural progression for us.

(Jeremy): I’m here babe…guess what I got?

The house was quiet, he usually had the tv on or some music playing. I heard a soft rustle coming down the hall from the bedroom area.

(Matt): Be right there.

I set the food and my keys down on the kitchen counter, and headed down the hall entering the bedroom. I knew he was excited about the trip, but I didn’t know he was this excited. There he stood, suitcase in his hand.

(Jeremy): You do know we still have a few days before we leave right? What in the world did you pack I this thing anyway?

I moved closer grabbing at the handle of the suitcase to see what 1,001 things he’d crammed inside. I was actually a worse packer myself.

(Jeremy): I know I’m bad, but it’s just like you to…

I paused…in my rambling I had only seen the suitcase, and when his hand didn’t release from the handle, it took me a moment to register the look on his face. One that did not display the excitement I came in assuming, this was something else. It was sorrow, it was misery. I took him by the arms trying to make eye contact but he didn’t lift his face to me.



(Matt): I can’t go!

His eyes were red. My heart leapt into my chest and thundered like horse hooves on a racetrack.

(Jeremy): Oh God, what happened? Is everybody alight?

My head swirled with horror. Had someone died? Something happen to his family? He looked that grave. He shook his head gently, lips pursed tight together. As if lifting a boulder, he raised his head and finally looked at me.

(Matt): This is hard enough as it is…I was just waiting for you to get her…I’m leaving Jer.

(Jeremy): Leaving? What are you talking about?

He brushed past me, carrying the luggage out of the room heading into the living room and I was right on his heels.

(Jeremy): Matt? Look at me…what are you talking about? What’s going on?

I took him by the arm and spun him around towards me and the man I loved suddenly exploded into an emotional display of pent-up emotions that came bursting out of him like a blast of some superheroes powers and he hollered.

(Matt): I can’t do this anymore!




He jerked way from me. Never had he raised his voice like this. Never had I witness this, sort of raw and unfiltered expression from him. Not even from his Dragon. My eyes widened in absolute shock.

(Matt): I can’t! I gave everything, “everything” I had. It’s all I ever wanted since I was a kid and it’s gone. I’m tired of hearing my own name, so I am.

“Matt was first to knock on the door in 2016.”

“Matt was the locker room leader.”

“Matt was an internet sensation that breathed life back into HWA.”

“Matt was destined to be the first HWA World Champion.”

“Matt was…”

“Matt was…”

“Matt was…”

“Matt was…”

He was shouting as the words were literally thrust from his lips. I was utterly frozen. Tears filled my eyes at the absolute pain I saw within him. What he must have held inside for the last 8 months. What he so expertly hid from me and the world with joviality. He grabbed the sides of my face with his hands looking me dead in the eyes with his tear-filled ones.

(Matt): I “was” Jer…and that’s far from the worst of it, so it is. Aside from Sean you’re the best fuking talent in the business but no one can see it. They don’t get to. You lose matches because your so caught up in avenging me. That’s not what I want for you.

(Jeremy): Matt, I…

He silenced me putting a finger to my lips.

(Matt): God bloody help me I love you so I do, but I can’t let you do this to yourself. Maniac was my fight Jer, my fight and I lost. I lost…..okay?

His eyes were pleading, imploring.

(Matt): What happened, happened and there’s no future for you if you’re too busy living in my past. Don’t you see that?

My eyes shifted away but he turned my head back towards him.

(Matt): You know I’m right. I’m dragging you down Jer. I tag along every week like a wee pup, like I’m really supporting you just being there, but I’m not. I’m not supporting you, I’m not helping you…I’m just pulling you under the current so I am. It’s not where I belong anymore. It’s not fair to you.

He seemed to take a breath, while I remained breathless. I didn’t know what to say. I put my hand on his shoulder as he turned away from me.

(Jeremy): We can talk to Butch and Wisdom, they’ll be more than happy to…

His head shook frantically before I could get the words out.

(Matt): They’ve been nothing but supportive…given me dozens of offers all year, I just never told you…I didn’t want to talk about it. I’m not one of those guys Jer. I’m not the guy who can’t get in the ring anymore, or who isn’t what the fans want to see anymore, who gets tossed behind the scenes in some role because he’s still got “some” value to the business or the company. I’m not some pencil pusher, so I’m not. I’m not a referee or a trainer, or cameraman. I don’t want to smile and do interviews or sit on pre-show panels. I’m no brand ambassador. What I want, who I was…is gone, so it is.

I didn’t want to hear this. I didn’t want to hear this pain and suffering he’d let fester and bloom. It cut too deep, it hurt too much, and I could barely remain standing as he continued. Once again he looked me in the eyes.

(Matt): I love you, but I won’t be your ball and chain. I won’t hold you back, so I won’t. You have to let it go Jer, all of it. And that’s why I have to go. I won’t distract you from being who you are, who you need to be. Not anymore.

I couldn’t hold it in anymore, my own emotions overflowed and I was now shouting.

(Jeremy): You can’t do this…I’m nothing without you. I stayed here for “you!” You know how many times I was ready to walk away, take that job at SpaceX? I never imagined that we’d be together, that I would come to love the ring as much as I do, because of you.

He paced the floor, hands on his hips.

(Jeremy): I admit it okay, I’m pissed. I’m pissed at what happened to you. I’m pissed at Maniac, I’m pissed at the fans, I’m pissed at the company. I’m pissed at everything that we had being taken from us. You, Sean and I…that’s what it was meant to be, but here comes the old veterans and I don’t mean Hans. I mean Maniac leading the way to turn back the clock and make this place the hell hole it once was, the same place that got it swiped off the map before.

And CBS? They don’t give a shit anymore. They were sold on that “pure wrestling” bullshit Butch and Wisdom spoon fed us, and the minute they saw a trickle of blood, they saw ratings and they loved it. They encouraged that stupid, fuking Asylum match when Butch and Wisdom wouldn’t even entertain the thought of it at first. But they caved and gave in to the same goddamn greed. It had nothing to do with you asking for it, and you know it. They sacrificed their values and they sacrificed your wellbeing, and damned all the crap they had preached.

Everything was coming to the surface again and I was purely livid.

(Jeremy): If it had been me that got hurt you know you’d be at everyone’s throat, you’d probably have already ripped them out. “Dragging me down”, you’re not dragging me down. You’re the only fuking thing lifting me up Matt.

He put a hand up, silencing me again. His eyes and his face had changed. Softened to an undeniable resolve. His voice was low, almost a whisper.

(Matt): I’m leaving Jer.

I broke, my knees buckled and it looked like I was underwater for the river of tears flowing from my eyes.

(Jeremy): You’re breaking up with me!

It wasn’t a question. It was a statement, and the words hurt to say. They felt like I had just swallowed razor blades and he grabbed me quickly.

(Matt): No! Don’t be daft fella! I love you, so I do, but I need some time.

There was nothing but sincerity in his eyes, layered over a deeper sorrow.

(Matt): I can’t be the man you deserve, until I find the man I’m now meant to be.

My heart was breaking, I could practically feel the tendons tear, the chambers collapse. I saw him, I heard him, and he wasn’t giving me a say, a rebuttal, or a choice. I didn’t want to accept this. All I could muster was two words.

(Jeremy): How long?

(Matt): I don’t know. A month, three, six, nine…I don’t know Jer.

I shuddered, a waterfall of tears flowing down my face. The tiniest of smiles, cracked the corner of his face.

(Matt): Come here!

He hugged me. He hugged me and I clung to him like I was out to sea holding a life preserver. We remained that way for some time, I could feel him shudder too, crying with me. I don’t know how long we stayed that way…it seemed forever and then he pulled away.

(Matt): No more looking back Jer…forward. Forward to greatness, forward to the HWA Championship, forward to everything you dreamed of being in this business.

(Jeremy): I only dreamed of…

His finger pressed to my lips again. He smiled, knowing exactly what I was going to say. I had only dreamed of being with him, HWA was secondary. It meant absolutely nothing without him.

(Matt): You have to end this and move on, promise me.

His eyes searched mine for acknowledgement, demanding it. What could I say? He had had total control over me. I’d have snow boarded off a dry mountain right now if he asked me to. All I could do was nod, but it wasn’t enough…he wanted words.

(Jeremy): I promise!

He pulled me forward hard, kissed me, and stars surrounded us. There wasn’t a movie, or song, book, or poem, known to man that illustrated the passion behind his lips, or the force of his tongue against mine. Nothing could do it justice and the world disappeared around us. There was no Maniac, no Lunatik, no encounter with Draconis, no Bryan Deas attack, no CBS, no Academy, no Sean or Michelle or Hans, Butch, Wisdom or even HWA itself.



There was only us and I didn’t want to let go, didn’t want to stop kissing him, but it did end. He pulled away, leaving me in that frozen state as he grabbed his suitcase. Smiled that snow melting smile of his.

(Matt): I love you!

(Jeremy): I love you too!

He turned, opened the door and walked out. It swung shut behind him and I wanted to chase after him but I couldn’t move. I willed my legs, my body to move but it wouldn’t. Instead, I collapsed to the floor and screamed out loud. I heard his footsteps in the hall on tile stop, knowing that for a moment it gave him pause, I hoped he’d turn back but his resolve was far too strong. A second later the tap of his feet continued, the elevator binged and he was gone.

I lay curled on the floor for the longest time, the sun had set and the room had darkened by the time I noticed. I finally pulled myself up. Never had this place seemed so empty. Without him it was just a shell. I looked around amazed at how utterly cold it had become devoid of his light. I went to the kitchen and looked in his fridge. It was empty except for some bottled water. He’d no doubt planned for this. His rent and bills were probably paid up for who knows how long, he’d taken care of everything.

I didn’t know what to do. I felt stupid just standing there. I grabbed the food I had brought, though the idea of eating turned my stomach. I went to his bedroom and grabbed a hoodie from the closet inhaling his scent. I walked through the apartment making sure all the lights were out, grabbed my keys and stepped out into the hall locking the door behind.

Back outside in the garage his car was gone, I got in mine and sat there for a moment before turning the engine on. Every move I made seemed like an overexcretion of energy. I really had no idea what to do next. I felt like I was in a foreign country and didn’t know which way to turn, didn’t speak the language and I needed a direction. I grabbed my phone and called Sean. His voicemail came on, but I couldn’t find words and just hung up. I called Michelle, and her bubbly voice beamed over the line.

(Michelle): Jeremy…I was just thinking about you guys. What are you…

No doubt she could hear my sniffles, sense my tears.

(Michelle): Jeremy what’s wrong? Everything ok?

I couldn’t muster words. They stuck in my throat and I just hung up. She immediately called right back, but I didn’t answer. I felt broken…I don’t know what I needed, I was grasping at straws…I just didn’t want to go home right now. I pulled out of Matt’s garage and headed nowhere.
Meanwhile, Michelle had just hung up with Jeremy who hadn’t answered her call. She dialed Sean and he picked up.

(Sean): Hey beautiful, I was just about to ring Jeremy…I missed his call a second ago.

(Michelle): I just talked with him, or I tried to. Sean, something’s wrong…he sounded a complete wreck. He was crying…I wanna go check on him.

(Sean): I’m on my way.

They hung up from one another, a sense of urgency now hung over them. Michelle called Matt, but he didn’t answer and her panic set deeper in. There was a bombshell coming their way, the news Jeremy would have to share when they caught up to him. If he could summon the words from his soul would be…shocking. He wanted Matt, nothing and no one else.

As he went down the road the occasional plane flew overhead and for brief moments he wondered if Matt was on one, the reality that he wouldn’t have been airborne this fast quickly being realized. Where was he going? For how long? He felt suffocated and rolled the window down for some fresh air, how ironic…the ppv was weeks away but he was already on it now, already on the Road to Ruin, and so he certainly was. His tears continued as he drove aimlessly, and the scene fades to black.