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Posted by Tobias Clarke
on October 21, 2024, 4:29 am
We’re on stage, it’s a well lit and clean looking one at that.
In front of the camera, standing center is Tobias Clarke.
On both sides he’s flanked by the four men and women who had been with him the previous night at Havoc.
They’re all dressed smartly, but what would you expect from professionals and Tobias?
The latter is looking calm and collected, somewhat unusually due to both the previous night’s events and also as it’s not a spa day.
Having their cue to speak, Tobias starts.
(Tobias): So it would appear that despite our best efforts, all is in vain.
I, Tobias Clarke, with the help of the Animal Legal Defense Fund, Humane Society of the United States and of course, PETA…
As he says this, he gestures to the four men and women who had walked out with him the previous night.
(Tobias): … tried to put a stop to this barbaric event.
(Christine Ball-Blakely): I’m Christine Ball-Blakely and I’m the Senior Staff Attorney for the Animal Legal Defense Fund. Last night with the attention Mr Clarke brought to this cruel and inhumane spectacle that he’s being forced to participate in under fear of sanction and reprisal, we tried to put a stop to this match that has no place in the modern world.
(Tobias): Exactly Christie, this match is something out of Gladiator, and again, great film, but that’s where those tigers deserve to remain… and in the wild, y’know…
He looks pleased with himself at that last part in particular as he then lets another one of the team speak.
(Jeff Kerr) I’m Jeff Kerr the Chief Legal Officer of PETA, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. What Tobias says is absolutely correct. These are wild animals and to place them in an environment such as what this “zoo match” entails is profoundly unethical and a complete violation of the US Animal Welfare Act.
(Tobias): Thank you John, for all you numb-nuts out there, the 2002 amendments to the AWA make it illegal "to knowingly sponsor or exhibit an animal in a fighting venture, if any animal was moved in interstate or foreign commerce."
The air quotes are out in force with this little speech.
(Stacy Wolf): I’m Stacy Wolf, the Senior Vice President, Policy, Response & Engagement of the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. This act covers both the transportation from Mr Wolfy’s facility in Toledo to Charlotte as well as the event itself.
A slight twinge at the corner of Tobias’s left eye as he hears her surname. It’s far too close to the person he wishes would vanish from the face of the earth after all.
(Tobias): Thanks Sarah, that’s absolutely right. That’s why with the help of these people…
He gestures to the four of them.
(Tobias): I aim to fight this sham overthrowing of the injunction. People want to bitch and moan about how corrupt things are, take a look at what happened last night! A complete f*cking farce that was. So that’s why I’m partnering with PETA, to call attention to the exploitation of animals by certain people...
That last part is practically spat out, disdain for Wolfy so so so clear.
(Tobias): And furthermore, we’ll be protesting at his animal farm to raise awareness to the cruelty he’s causing to me.
A small pause. Side eyes from the other four.
(Tobias): And our dear animal friends of course. So here’s the new campaign.
The camera pans out, revealing what seems to be a cloth covered board.
Grabbing one end, he theatrically throws it off.
Above the PETA logo in bold writing is the following.
DON’T BE A DICK TO ANIMALS.
Everyone takes a moment to admire its simplicity, its honesty and its targeted nature towards Wolfy and the horrendous acts he wishes to impose upon those poor creatures.
(Tobias): Don’t be a dick to animals!
He stabs a finger at the camera.
(Tobias): And you Monkey, you’re being a dick to me…
The finger then taps the board.
(Tobias): And these buddies.
He nods towards the other four.
(Tobias): That’s why we’re going to be picketing your sham of a zoo. It’s nothing but an animal testing facility anyway, we all know that. Nice cover story, but we know the truth. This’ll be like Pizzagate, but actually real.
He moves to stand next to the four others, the placard to his right.
(Tobias): F*ckwits like Monkey and Joe Exotic should never be allowed near an animal. What I’m being forced to do is a violation of my human rights. I don’t want to involve these animals in what should be a simple event of me beating the sh*t out of a guy that doesn’t deserve to be there. Monkey is like that guy that shot Harambe. Just wanting to inflict misery on animals and still call himself a lover of them. I won’t stand for it.
Another gesture to take in the four others.
(Tobias): And we won’t stand for it. You’re going down! Who’s the true villain here? I’m the one wanting to stop animal abuse, you’re the one perpetuating it!
The scene fades out to black as the camera focuses back on the new PETA slogan.
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