HWA Message Board: Call to Arms

Open scene.

It’s a black and white scene.

Tobias is sitting comfortably in a high backed leather chair.

Otherwise, the setting behind is empty.

(Tobias): My name is Tobias Clarke.

I’m the best there is, the best there was, the best there ever will be.

Bret Hart used to be able to say that.

But even he, that icon of professional wrestling, wasn't thinking big enough, y’know, before a ‘roided up shaved gorilla took him down.

He constrained himself to just wrestling, whereas I… I’m so much more.

And speaking of gorilla’s, I’m speaking on behalf of PETA, animal lovers worldwide and to you at home.

That’s right numb-nuts, you, sitting there, eating puffed up bits of corn and air and e-numbers.

Not all of you are fortunate to be where I’m from, god’s country; Canada.

I mean think about it. You start at the bottom, you work your way to the top. The cream rises, amirite?

What’s at the bottom, barring those beautiful ladies who play volleyball? Not much at all. Go a little further up? The setting for some Narco episodes. Then there’s something that’s only of interest for people who sail. Little further up, more Narco episodes. Then there’s where this tale is set, the land of school shootings, red vs. blue and animal cruelty.

He pauses, giving consideration and thought to the last statement there, before adding.

(Tobias): And for those who didn’t go to school, above all that is the land of pristine ice and double-doubles, where one can get the perfect beignet after a parafango wrap session. And where the wild is… well, the wild.

Y’see buddies, in Canada, we learn to respect our wildlife. Have you seen a moose? F*ck me, you don’t want to mess with them.

His swearing is bleeped out, for the benefit of being able to air this during primetime.

That said, he’s doing remarkably well in limiting his swearing so far.

He says ‘be better’, he’s demonstrating it. So you be better too!

(Tobias): But see here kids, is where we have to tell the tale of a ‘man’...

The last word is chewed out through gritted teeth.

(Tobias): … who doesn’t care for animals. Doesn’t care for them at all kids. But he wants you to think he does. He wants you to think that he’s the new Steve Irwin. He’s always showing off these little critters. He does these little meet and greets, get’s you along before Havoc, meet the stars, meet the little furry so and so’s.

It’s all a f*cking sham.

He’s no star and he’s no animal lover.

Buddies, when I first met this person, they casually assaulted me in my place of work. Imagine someone coming into your office and trying to break your arm. Not nice, amirite? Of course it’s f*cking not!

Now imagine that person also went and released dozens of little animals about and then lost them? Pretty inept, yeah? Of course it is. But maybe you can forgive that as a one off. It’s not malicious, right?

Maybe that guy was having a bad day?

But what if that person then went and stalked someone, bringing along a big bad scary wolf to terrify other people into letting him break in and trash a place?

And what if this person did this again, spraying sh*t up the wall, stealing things that didn’t belong to him?

What if this person then tried to murder the person who he’s attacked, stalked and stolen from?

Would you trust him not to mistreat an animal?

He leans in, deadly serious.

(Tobias): Would you trust him around your kids? Would you trust him now that you know what behind the cuddly, friendly, unwashed facade he puts up?

A slow shake of the head.

(Tobias): You wouldn’t, would you? Of course not.

I, Tobias Clarke am calling on people concerned for the wellbeing of the young, whether it’s human or animal to join me outside of the Hoff Wildlife Center on Saturday. You’ve all seen the clips lately, those horrific fires, it’s not safe to keep animals contained in such environments but this guy doesn’t care about that. He wants to fool you all. But I know you’re all better than that. Like me, you can be better if you get up off your asses and do something about it. So be there and let’s show that little f*cker what’s coming to him!

Getting to his feet, he flashes a confident smile at the camera, before walking off.

The scene slowly fades out as the PETA logo flashes up followed by their new slogan ‘DON’T BE A DICK TO ANIMALS’.

End.