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Posted by Tobias Clarke
on October 31, 2024, 10:30 am
We’re at the Hoff Wildlife Center.
Or rather, the outside of it.
It’s Saturday and just as was advertised, a protest is being held outside the entrance to the, according to the various placards being held aloft, the ‘predators den’, the ‘home of the monster’, ‘free the animals’ and various other statements including the new PETA slogan ‘Don’t be a dick to animals’ which has been distributed out heavily among the crowd.
A riser has been brought out, positioned between the protestors and the entrance to the Center.
Surrounding it are various local and national news teams, drawn by the planned protest and the calls from various animal rights organizations to attend the frankly disgusting activities that take place under the guise of ‘welfare’ at this Center.
Moving in, this camera sees the familiar sight of Tobias Clarke, standing alongside Christine Ball-Blakely and the others that Tobias has engaged with lately.
(Christine Ball-Blakely): We must stand up for those who cannot speak for themselves. Animals deserve to live free from suffering and exploitation. Whether it’s ending factory farming, stopping animal testing, or protecting wildlife habitats, every action counts. Together, we can create a world where all beings are treated with compassion and respect.
Grabbing the microphone off her, Tobias chimes in.
(Tobias): Exactly, and that starts today buddies!
A loud cheer erupts from those in attendance, Tobias practically basking in it.
(Tobias): You all heard that little creep the other day, right? Trying to pin you guys all down as just a vegan cult!
Loud boos and dismissive sounds now come from the crowd.
(Tobias): That’s right, f*cking boo him! Trying to backtrack and say that we’re not allowed to hurt the animals… but forgetting that they shouldn’t be there!
More loud cheering erupts from those in attendance.
(Tobias): They shouldn’t be in there. They should be out there. Wherever they come from. France.. Brazil…
The small shrug he makes isn’t noticed at all by the crowd who are making a racket at his words.
(Tobias): And he’d rather talk about Tommy Breeze or whoever and quote Wikipedia than deal with that sh*t show behind me.
He makes a sweeping gesture at the Center behind.
(Tobias): In fact, he wants to blame me for it, because I am not a misogynist towards my Mexican coworker.
A shake of the head as again, boos come from the crowd.
(Tobias): Can you believe this guy? This guy, who keeps animals in a fire ruined wasteland, just because he can make some money from it. Wants to involve animals in a wrestling match, because he loves to torture them. What a dick!
Handing back the mic to Christine, he hops off the riser as the crowd cheers again, chanting the PETA slogan loudly.
Spotting the HWA camera crew, he moves towards it.
From off camera, someone approaches, handing him a bottle of chilled Evian water, cap freshly removed.
Taking a swig of the water, Tobias takes in the assembled crowd before talking to the camera.
(Tobias): Oh, Monkey, you never fail to entertain… at least, if you’re a ret*rd who thinks Adam Sandler and Kevin James is the height of comedy. Your attempts at insults are like watching a toddler try to throw a punch… adorable, but ultimately harmless. You call me names and try to paint me as the villain, but let’s be real here buddy.
You’re the one hiding behind a facade. While I’ve been out there, sleeves rolled up, making a real difference in the gym…
The pause is there, but he catches himself, adding in.
(Tobias): And in those animal’s lives, y’know.
Out from his back pocket come two certificates.
Unfurling them theatrically, he holds them up to the camera beside his face.
(Tobias): Yesterday, I ‘adopted’ two adorable little killer cats from Africa. “Fiona” and…
The second certificate is brought to the fore, the first one being discarded on the ground.
(Tobias): … and “Emerald”... I mean I’m not gonna lie here buddies, I was expecting ‘Scar’ or ‘Fury’ or some sh*t like that, pretty unimpressive sounding names here for these lions…
The second certificate finds itself on the ground as well.
(Tobias): But what is impressive is that I’m a man of deep, deep belief in the wellbeing of animals and that they don’t need to be here...
He throws a gesture out to the Wildlife Center.
(Tobias): But that they need to get the f*ck over there back home in Africa away from me.
He throws a gesture the other way, back across the parking lot and over the head of the assembled throng of protestors.
If we’re being charitable, it’s at least in the opposite direction, albeit nowhere near the direction needed to hit any point on the continent of Africa.
(Tobias): They can roam and do whatever it is they want to do in their natural home. That, is not natural.
He throws a gesture out to the Wildlife Center once again.
(Tobias): But then, whaddaya expect from an unwashed cretin like Monkey who just roleplays as being a wrestler. And a sh*t one at that, like take some f*cking acting classes buddy, jeez. “Oh I have the spirit of the animal”, f*cking bullsh*t.
Clicking his fingers, he stops for a second, before nodding at whatever thoughts are going on in his head.
His next words are those of someone who now gets it.
(Tobias): I think I figured it out. You were watching Power Rangers as a kid, you got knocked on the head, you’ve never progressed past that. It makes perfect sense. All of this, ‘oh I was kidnapped by that mad doctor’, buddy, I get it, you’re ashamed… I mean you should be, you’re a f*cking disgrace to the human race and I pray to god you never breed…
But it makes sense.
You’re lacking purpose. So you latch on to me.
When I met you, you were… and still are, a bumbling idiot. You lost your animals. You were trying to find them.
You found me.
You found me, the shining example of just what a person could accomplish if they weren’t the dregs of the gene pool.
Ever since then, you’ve been on me like a Kardashian chasing after relevance.
I’m the man that the younger you dreamed of, but could never achieve. And still can’t. And will never do.
At Road to Ruin, you’re going to face the truth. And trust me, it’s going to be a wild ride.
So, buckle up, buddy. The real predator is coming for his prey.
He flashes an obnoxiously confident grin at the camera, before just as quickly turning his back to it while clapping his hands together and getting the attention of the assembled protesters.
(Tobias): Speaking of predators, right buddies, let’s shut this pedo factory down!
(Jeff Kerr): And free the animals!
A chorus of ‘yeah’s’ and whooping cries fill the air as they surge towards the gates and the thin line of staffers looking nervously on.
The scene slowly fades out as Tobias urges everyone onwards, screaming further antagonistic remarks towards near enough everyone there.
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