HWA Message Board: Desde Mi Corazón

Erica sits in a mostly darkened room. A small alter of candles is across from here, with the pictures of her grandparents, her two older brothers, and her father. An incense stick creates ribbons of smoke that fill the room with the bouquet of merigold.

(Erica): Everyone thinks I’m crazy. I should be in some institution, or on meds. Most think I’m making shit up. Matt, Jeremy, Sean, Michelle, Sarah…never abandoned me, never hurt me. Butch and Wisdom never used me. Sensei Red Dragon never showed favoritism. Hans never sexually assaulted me. Maniac never promised me anything. Mi familia isn’t estranged from me. I don’t have a demon inside me. I’m just acting out. I’m jealous. I’m a bitch. I’m a liar. I’m a #####.

She continues rocking back and forth, shaking her head as she turns towards the camera.

(Erica): That’s what you think, right? You’re wrong! I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t make the world cruel. My only dream, my only wish was to support my family and make them proud.

She looks back at the alter, her fingertips touching the photo of her father. Remembering the bristle of his moustache when he kissed her cheeks.

(Erica): I’m not a bad person. I’m a good person that bad things have happened to. I’ve done what I needed to survive in their world. I worked hard for little to no reward and everything I had went to my family. Sabes que lo hizo!

Tears stream down her face as she continues to rock back and forth, wrapping her arms around herself tightly.

(Erica): They say la percepción es la realidad…perception is reality. Nobody wants the real Erica Martinez, so I show you the woman you think I am. I give you the woman your perceptions have created, and you want her even less. I thought you believed in me Maniac. I thought you saw the world for what it is for how it treated you and wanted to help guide me. Help me navigate many of the challenges you faced growing up but no…you’re of their world. You carried this demon some twenty years and it returned you to humanity leaving you for me. It's funny that no one believes you, even when you’re telling the truth. I believe you. I know you want to make amends, and be the man you used to be.

She pulls her hands up in front of her looking at the palms.

(Erica): I know the things you’ve done. I know the fears and thoughts that plagued your mind. I know your regrets, I know the burdens you carried, because they are all within me now. You know what it wanted, what it needed, that’s why you took me in. You made me your trashcan so you could unload everything and go back to their world. You promised to help me, to save me, and I believed you, but you lied.

I watched everything I had left burn away, and you left me in spiraling descent with nothing to hold on to, nothing and no one to reach for. I had no choice, I reached for the demon. In the darkness it was all there was and self-preservation demanded it. But, these hands…

She continues looking at her hands, every line and crease.

(Erica): You blame me for the things they’ve done. The things we’ve had to do to survive. You made me promise to leave Hans and Vanessa alone, and pledged yourself to be my tag partner, to even help me win Ring Master and then you dumped me. I wasn’t worth the trouble anymore was I. I was too far gone because I gave herself to the demon willingly…and you still ignored me when I called out for help. You know this struggle, this battle within. It consumed you for months at a time, sometimes years before you had a moment of being yourself. Do you know how hard I fought to text you the other week? To force myself to the surface and barely get out just two words “Help Me!”

Tears continue to stream her eyes as she wipes her face.

(Erica): But no…it’s “fuk you Erica!” You let your dick do the talking because it hurt Mandy. I liked Mandy, it wasn’t me and you know it, but that doesn’t matter to you. You just want to belong to that world again, get those cheers, so you took revenge. My Juanito, sixteen years old. The hospital took my money, but they wouldn’t let me see him. They got his ear back on, but he’ll have scars for life not that you care. The physical ones will fade and be less noticeable over time, but they’ll be there, along with the mental ones.

There’s a moment of silence as she pauses, leaning forward to light another incense.

(Erica): I know what you did, Maniac. Maybe I am crazy, why else would I still try and help you, when you wouldn’t help me. Don’t worry, nobody’s going to find the footage from the bar. Consider it a gift, the last gift you’ll get from me. I won’t fight it anymore. After tonight, I hope I never come back. Why would I want to live in this place that condemns me? I’m not going to fight for their affection when they give it freely to somebody like Michelle…everyone’s Golden Girl. Sean Parker, the ultimate boy next door playing everyone like a fuking fiddle. Spoiled, silver spoon-fed brat. Miyagi and his star pupils, and he did it again…right in front of all your faces and you eat it up like Halloween Candy. This Japanese girl, Starlight Kid. I won’t stand for it. She and I are just getting started, I can guarantee you that!

Erica just shakes her head.

(Erica): Hans, Butch, Wisdom, Sarah, the list goes on Maniac but it all comes back to you. You can pretend you want to get rid of the demon and I’m just unfortunate collateral damage but the truth is you never intended to help or save me. You want to send us both to hell so your demonic burden, and your failed experiment of a acolyte can be locked away together and you can live life again. That’s what you want, but that’s not what is going to happen.

She smiles, looking back at the camera as if she knows a secret.

(Erica): We’re not going anywhere. We’re not going to hell, but you are. Remember what I said to Hans last year, he may have been bigger and stronger than me just like you, but I’m a damn capable woman and that was then. I’m so much more now. “We” are so much more, and you can’t beat us!

She laughs a little, then turns somber.

(Erica): I just wanted to live. I just wanted to belong and be loved and respected. I just wanted to be treated fairly and paid equally. But a girl like me can’t have nice things. I’m crazy. I should be in some institution, or on meds. I make shit up. My friends abandoned me and hurt me. Butch and Wisdom used me. Sensei Red Dragon showed favoritism. Hans sexually assaulted me. Mi familia is estranged from me. I have a demon inside me. I’m not acting out. I’m not jealous. I’m not a bitch. I’m not a liar. I’m not a #####. And you Maniac, you promised me everything.

She looks to the camera with red glowing eyes and a sick grin.

(Erica): I’m not a bad person. I’m a good person that bad things have happened to, and at Road to Ruin Maniac, la Pesadilla Mexicana is going to happen to you!

Erica leans forward blowing the candles on the alter out as the room goes dark, and the scene fades to black.