HWA Message Board: I Choose You

Open scene.

We’re currently in a well lit, modern looking spa.

In the background, relaxing music can be heard just above the sound of running water from a burbling stream that trickles through the setting.

The camera pans around, it’s an airy looking facility, various ferns and palms are dotted around, encircled by stones and rocks. Whoever the gardener is, they’re good at their job.

Continuing to pan around, we come to two individuals, side by side, kneeling on bamboo mats at rest, at one with the peace that this room brings.

Both are attired in white fluffy bathrobes, though one is less conservative with the binding at the waist, revealing a stunningly crafted physique that would make any man jealous.

That man of course is Tobias Clarke.

The other, well he’s nameless.

His name won’t be mentioned. His name won’t be remembered, certainly by Tobias at any rate.

At some unspoken prompt, Tobias lifts his head to look into the camera.

(Tobias): Kon'nichiwa, tomoyo. I have to say, I don’t appreciate the tranquility of my sessions being interrupted by anything, let alone with whatever nonsense management have cooked up to deny me my rightful place at the top of this pile of f*cktards and reprobates.

I mean, I heard that the redneck clan is back after finally figuring out which of the brothers f*cked their sister.

And that just ruined my morning knowing that the airwaves would soon be filled with their ramblings, their stupidity and their asinine, aneurysm inducing takes on things.

A shudder runs through him.

He exhales slowly, closing his eyes, centering himself.

A few moments pass in peace. As usual, it doesn't last long.

(Tobias): But anyway buddies, I see that management have decided to start intergender matches, which… two things… one, wasn’t that already happening? I mean some of those monsters are definitely ticking both boxes. Have you seen the hand size of Callahan? Urgh.

Two. This is perfect. This is my chance to give those numbnuts a physical demonstration of just how much f*cking better I am than them.

His hand goes over his heart.

(Tobias): Because I am.

He throws a thumb in the direction of the man next to him.

(Tobias): Now this hoser has been helping me with my Japanese. I don’t just say what I say, I mean it. I get better every day.

Now I reached out to someone that I knew needed help more than anyone else on this roster… Michelle.

I said ‘'I'll show you how to be good'”, which I never got a reply to. Rude! But y’know, figured she’d be having to just deal with Parker talking endlessly about whatever Pokemon he’d just caught and was trying to fight off a coma, so y’know, persevered. I want to help her afterall.

I sent her ”You've already settled for second best by accepting his hand in marriage, don't do the same for this tag match.” Which, buddies, that’s a fair comment to make.

Anyway, someone didn’t want to be better, so f*ck her. Jokes on her, she’s got to live with the pr*ck who did respond. Newsflash buddy, aren’t you English? Speak it and write it properly. Jesus.

Another attempt at calming himself down follows.

(Tobias): Anyway, I figured, why not help the next person out who needs it most, and I thought of that person who I’d given that most considerate of gifts to at Christmas. Helping the needy isn’t just a festive thing buddies. Like a puppy. It’s for all year round. Or at least until Monkey gets his hands on it and f*cks it until it’s dead.

So, Skylight… Moonlight… f*ck… Kabuki Girl. Like Parker and his Pokemon fixation, I choose you.

To show my dedication to working with you to help you be better, I employed this hoser…

Another gesture at the man next to him.

(Tobias): … to help me write a haiku. Because that’s apparently how you lot all talk in Japan or something.

Anyway…

In the ring we fight, my perfection in action, you learn from me.

Looking pleased with himself, he looks over at the man next to him.

(Tobias): Good, eh?

He’s looking away almost immediately, for the best as if he saw the man’s reaction, well masked as it is, he’d be livid.

(Tobias): Anyway hoser, if anyone else picks you, it’s a pity vote and you don’t want that. You want the team mate that wants to be the best and drag you kicking and screaming along for the ride. Be like that admiral that attacked Pearl Harbour; decisive! Pick me baka.

You know it makes sense.

The scene fades to black.

End.