HWA Message Board: Venting

Open scene.

It’s the usual set up that appears, a nondescript room, well lit and prepped for just the sort of thing that you’re about to witness.

Into view from off camera strides Tobias Clarke.

He wastes no time in beginning, for time is precious, his more-so than anyone elses.

(Tobias): Lunatik?

Urgh, there’s a ’name’ that gives me the heave just by having to think it let alone say it.

Urgh…

Tobias bites down on his words for now, composing himself.

A few seconds pass before he carries on.

(Tobias): So what’s your shtick buddy? What are you here for? What are you looking to do?

Let me tell you why I’m here.

I’m here to elevate all of you. Now I do that by just being on the roster. And some would be happy to put their feet up and cash cheques. But not me. I’m here to capture the crown, my crown and run with it. Take it so f*cking high that the rest of you f*ckwits have to grab oxygen tanks to try and keep up. I’ll be at the top of Mount Everest and the rest of you will be rolling in sh*t down in the gutters.

But I will drag you all up by hook or crook.

You’re welcome.

Now. Why are you here? You’re riding the coattails of the mentally ill, so it can’t be so lofty a goal. What is it? Alimony payments needing paid? Got a mistress to support? I mean, look at you, just look at the state of you… surely not that… urgh… but y’know buddy, stranger things have happened.

He gives the camera another judgemental look up and down as if imagining Lunatik standing in front of him.

(Tobias): Even those f*cking nerds who update Wikipedia haven’t been able to find sh*t on what you’ve been upto since you were last here, so that says it all.

You’re here because you’re a nobody. You might have been, one time… but newsflash buddy, you weren’t.

What were you once? Spotlight champion?

A loud and obnoxious raspberry is blown by him as he gives an emphatic thumbs down akin to an Emperor deciding a gladiator's fate back in Roman times.

(Tobias): F*cking worthless title. May as well be the ‘here be the wooden spoon winner’. Nothing to crow about buddy, you’re just telegraphing how little you ever accomplished. Like I get it, you want to put something on your CV but you’ve not even done a little white lie or two… you’ve just been upfront… you’ve done f*ck all. Perhaps I should give you props for your honesty… but…

A small shake of the head.

Tobias is not in a forgiving mood.

Not when there’s other points to make.

(Tobias): … you wear make up? Why?

Did drinking out a car battery go wrong when you were younger? Did you spill some? You covering up scars? Or is it just that you have no skin care routine?

Were you popping Tide pods waaaay before it got popular?

He shrugs his shoulders up, hands coming up with the palms facing upwards.

It’s a genuine question he’s posing to him.

(Tobias): You tell me buddy. But at least, take Maniac’s dick out your mouth and swirl some mouth wash around first before saying anything.

He holds his hands up as if forestalling any argument or comeback.

(Tobias): Listen buddy, I’m sorry. I’m on edge. I’m just dealing with the fact that these redneck f*ckwits are back in town. Daddy Draconis, who incidentally, is being a little bitch cos’ he never ever got back to my request for a match after I whooped his retard son all over the ring… y’know…

He’s searching for the name.

(Tobias): … y’know, the one that lit a fire in a bus and took in all the fumes… the irrelevant one… f*ck… not the God of War character… the other one…

He snaps his fingers.

He’s got it.
(Tobias): Jason! That’s the one. Anyway, they’re back, no-one missed them, they’re still talking away like they matter…

A mocking laugh erupts at that.

(Tobias): … but they don’t. But now they’re just gonna be stinking up the airwaves with their absolute f*cking drivel… and I can’t be dealing with it buddy. I just can’t. Having to process what they say? You genuinely need a PhD in dealing with retards to be able to do it, and I don’t have time for it.

I know, I know… I’m all about self improvement, pushing yourself… elevating yourself… but not with this.

Another ‘urgh’ escapes him as he then lowers his head, gently massaging his nasal bridge with his thumb and index finger.

This clearly does pain him.

(Tobias): So anyway, I just had to vent there. Get it all out.

Again he falls silent, hands now going to his hips as he tuts away, thinking on what he’s just been saying.

(Tobias): So to summarise, Lunatik…

He fights down a small heave.

(Tobias): … I’m going to make an example of you at Havoc. You’re past it, you’re not the future, I am. Deal with it now buddy, I don’t want you crying about it when the bell rings and my hand is being raised in victory.

And with that, he moves off camera, ending the promo.

End scene.