HWA Message Board: Some Words for Branson

Open scene.

We’re inside a spa, to be more precise, a sauna.

It’s the following morning after Fatality has concluded.

Tobias Clarke is lounging in the centre view of the camera, towel strategically placed to cover what’s important and thoroughly at home in his surroundings.

Not so much the camera crew, but they’re out of sight to ourselves and certainly out of mind for Tobias.

(Tobias): Buenos días f*ckheads.

From off camera, a chilled and already opened bottle of Evian is handed to him which he accepts with one hand, attention still firmly affixed to the camera before him.

(Tobias): As is tradition, I take a cleaning spa after an event to wash away the grime and filth that everyone else seems to shed like they’re f*cking huskies or some sh*t.

And as is tradition, I walk away from an event the winner.

His arms come up in a self effusing ‘tah-dah’-esque move, before he takes a swig of his Evian.

(Tobias): I have to say, at long last HWA’s backstage staff know it’s to be Evian… and chilled… not whatever knock off local piss water they have… and not tap water…

He visibly shudders at the thought.

(Tobias): Next up is they need to provide me with Egyptian cotton towels, like this…

Another tug of the towel wrapped around his mid section. It’s dangerously close to slipping, but for now, it hangs on in there.

(Tobias): If I wanted to dry myself with the stuff that you use to carry coal or sh*t in, I’d go hang out with the Draconis mob. Hell, stick my jaw out, go cross eyed and start mouthing off at wanting to #### a trailer and I’d fit right in!

An obnoxious smirk flits across his face as he takes another swig of water.

(Tobias): Anyway, Branson, good match hoser. Out of the Nepo Squad Three, you’re the one that actually has the ‘stuff’, know what I mean? You’re like me in a lot of ways, always being put down, never the one to be given opportunities on a plate… but the old guard, they like you, they see themselves in you.

Just like me.

He snaps his fingers and the scene changes to the Havoc prior to Fatality.

(Tobias): I’m about to do your job for you…you’re welcome. Now….my opponent…coming from Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey….weighing in at more than a 40-year old man should….and wearing more make-up than Kim Kardashian…..Lunatik!

The lights go out in the arena and the words “It's time to get a little nuts!” comes on the Havoctron then "I Get Mad" by Violent J blares through the arena and a spotlight shines down top of the entrance ramp where Lunatik is standing and the crowd erupts with chants of
“Looney” and after a few seconds he walks down slapping hands with some of his fans and then slides into the ring stepping straight up to Tobias with some jaw-jacking. The ref comes in between them as Tobias backs away, still with microphone in hand.

(Tobias): Keep him back ref, I don’t want to have to do you’re job too, but I will.

(Jason): What a prick, he thinks the world revolves around him.

(Lawler): I don’t know about the whole world, but the wrestling world certainly does. He’s the total package, he’s got the looks, the skills, the mic presence. Look at him, he’s almost doing three jobs at once.

(Jason): Why don’t you toss him a headset and he can do four?

(Lawler): That’s a great idea!

The scene fades back into the sauna, Tobias nodding at Kings words.

(Tobias): Got a lot of time for King, he knows his stuff.

Here’s me being mindful of others now, not just great in the ring, but a great person outside it too.

He snaps his fingers and the scene changes to another Havoc.
The cameras go backstage and we see Tobias and Starlight together.

(Roderick): Tobias you’ve got a big match tonight against Sean Parker and Michelle Leaner…and you picked an interesting partner here in Starlight.

(Tobias): I figured she cost him a match before she can do it again.

Tobias laughs to himself.

(Roderick): How have you two worked through the language barrier, Sean and Michelle are going to be able to communicate easily.

Starlight steps up smiling.

(Starlight): Tobye-us good patna!

(Tobias): I told you to leave the talking to me, this country has a new President now…I don’t need you getting deported before the match. Roderick, I’m not worried about communication, Starlight is going to follow my lead and that’s all we need to pull this off. Now if you’ll excuse me, my towels should be warm by now.

The scene fades back into the sauna, Tobias looking quite sombre all things considered. Hurt even.

(Tobias): To find out after all this time that Gojira-Girl knew english? Listen up!

One hand goes to rest over his heart while the second raises the Evian bottle to his lips once more. Either it’s an act or he’s genuinely thinking on what to say.

It’s Tobias, could be either or both.

(Tobias): Skylight… Moonlight… just be honest, my gift to you helped. I know you’re trying to be this new person. It’s cherry blossom season, I know you folks go mad for it over there. New beginnings and all that. Just don’t forget what foundations your house was built on buddy, you’re welcome.

Muttering something about unwanted gifts, he nevertheless snaps his fingers and another scene takes over.

Stu-E has one final stretch, gripping the top rope and pulling back on it before cracking his head from side-to-side. Tobias meanwhile looks ready and determined, bouncing on the balls of his feet. The ref checks Tobias’s knee pads with a quick pat down catching him off guard.

Tobias immediately rolls out of the ring and grabs a mic.

(Tobias): Did you see that? A pat down? Really? When was the last time any of you saw a pat down in an HWA ring? This is blatant discrimination.

The fans boo as Tobias looks frustrated and points towards the back.

(Tobias): Butch and Wisdom, you’ll be hearing from my attorney. And you…

Tobias points to the referee.

(Tobias): Congratulations, your first night as an official is going to be your last.

Fade back in on Tobias.

(Tobias): Branson, you and I get this kinda sh*t all the time from management. Admit it. You know it’s true. Letting you sleep in your car, the constant interruptions and taunting from those make up wearing freakazoids… having to watch Butch and Wisdom f*ck you over constantly by them saying such sweet things to you and then turn around and go goo-goo over the mutant f*cks that they promote above us!

Where’s the justice in that?

Monkey tried to f*cking drown me! What did he get? A disapproving look at best from Butch and probably a f*cking tit job off Wisdom!

Management can’t be seen to dismiss you to your face, but it happens buddy. Certain ones get aaaaalllllll the favours. I put on a clinic against Looney, and we… well, mostly me… put on a masterclass just there. What’s next? I’ll be wrestling some bin liner wearing chucklef*ck that Hans found backstage while hunting for Roid-Rage Monkey no doubt!

Speaking of him by the way. Kids, this is why you take your jabs and immunisation booster shots, kay? Otherwise you get f*cking rabies like that little sh*t. Also probably some other form of animal based VD, he’s just a filthy little wretch afterall…

Monkey, if you’re watching this. Your skin tone is massively improved since you got locked in that smoker, but f*ck me, you smell as bad as ever. Wash you little cretin, wash with soap once in your life.

Knowing it’ll fall on deaf ears, Tobias slumps back, draining the remainder of his bottle of Evian.

He looks at the camera and sighs.

(Tobias): Branson, I mean what I say when I announce that I’m going to be World Champion. I’m just too good to be scratching around at whatever scraps Butch and Wisdom throw my way once they’ve fed their favourites. This company is in danger of being another has-been… again… I’m going to reach the top. I will do whatever it takes. The odds are stacked against me, so I’m going to rebalance them. It’s only fair.

You need to do the same. Stop asking for permission and start asking for forgiveness.

You want Maniac. Go get him. I’ll be right beside you.

The scene fades to black as he shoos the camera crew out of the sauna, leaning back and closing his eyes as he basks in the steam.