Hans is standing centred in the camera’s view, clad in a fitted black and grey striped t-shirt, a non-descript pair of dark jeans, and a pair of white Converse All-Stars.
He looks to the side, nodding at someone off camera, before focusing his attention directly ahead, a condescending smile slowly spreading across his face.
(Hans): Well Eddie, you really have surpassed yourself. Forgive me for being so crude, but you spout some shit from that mouth of yours.
He holds up his left hand, folding down the index finger as he continues to speak.
(Hans): Firstly. Not on your level am I?
He snorts in utter derision.
(Hans): I have four wins over you Eddie, to the one you have over me. We’ll discount that little episode where I self DQ’d myself while you were getting worked over by Senester and Butch, as you’re about as entitled to call it a ‘win’ as you are to call your World title reign a success.
The camera zooms in, focusing on his upper body.
(Hans): Suffice to say Eddie; you must seriously be deluded if you think that you’re in any way able to stand there and announce that you’re better than me. I’ll be ‘on your level’ when I’m practically at death’s door, and not a moment before.
He folds down his middle finger.
(Hans): Secondly. I can’t stand that you’re not broken down by me beating you for the World title? What cheek. What delusion! Your life is a train wreck Eddie. I’m not so petty, but were I, whatever I could wish for you, would be eclipsed entirely by something of your own doing anyway. As it stands though, I honestly couldn’t care much for your mental or physical state, but that goes for most of the roster anyway. You’re not unique. You don’t get special dispensation. McNeil thinks he is and does, and in turn everyone ignores him. We do the same for you. As for this, ‘frustration’ that we take out on you? Well, I’d put it down mainly to the fact that you were an atrocious World champion, and this federation deserved better, yet couldn’t get one due to the fact that you skipped events and copped out of facing someone worthy by instead choosing Senester to face you.
He folds down his ring finger.
(Hans): Thirdly. I don’t know what to do with my success? Au contraire Eddie, I know precisely what I’ll be doing with my success. I’d like to give you a sneak preview of the big announcement that I have planned for Havoc, but since I don’t have any crayons on me with which to make it easy for you to understand, I’m afraid you’ll just have to wait until the big reveal. Suffice to say though, I’ll be doing more for this title than you ever could have dreamed of, let alone achieved. As for congratulations from other HWA wrestlers? Logan, Buff, those promising new guys; Michael and Gabriel to name but a few spring to mind Eddie. Your new friend there likes to record promos, why don’t you have a little sit down sometime soon and watch them? It might open your eyes a little.
He scoffs, muttering the next few words under his breath.
(Hans): Fat chance though…
With a slight s###### catching at the back of his throat, he continues.
(Hans): I do quite like it how the best way in which you can put down my victory over you though, is by saying that I didn’t have merchandising call me up to ask if they can print a new t-shirt design.
He rolls his eyes derisively, his tone full of sarcasm.
(Hans): I hope your new friend is taking notes, because that cut me deep…
His head droops forward, shaking from side to side gently as he sighs, before staring back up at the camera.
(Hans): Seriously Eddie, you’re probably the only one who actually cares about merchandising sales. But a word of advice, selling t-shirts doesn’t equate to anything else other than a better bottom line for the suited men in the back. As it stands though, take a look at the last two quarter’s sales breakdown. I think you’ll find that I’m outselling you three to one, and this quarter, according to those in the know, looks to be even better…
He smiles, folding down the last finger on his hand.
(Hans): Fourth point. My colon is what, Eddie? Twisted and puckered? My, what an imagination. On this next point, you’re actually correct though for a change, I am indeed nonchalant and laid back when it comes to you and this rematch clause that your new friend keeps mentioning. Why? Because I know when it comes to facing me, you don’t step into the ring, you step into the palm of my hand, and between that bell ringing to signal the start, and the referee’s hand thumping onto the mat for the third time to signal another victory to me, there’s nothing you can do about it.
He changes his stance; spreading his feet apart and dropping his hands down to his side and into his pockets.
(Hans): As for my life being lonely and vanilla? Please. Do pull the other leg. You have imaginary friends and stuff your face with wings in-between completely avoiding answering questions that are aimed at you because to do so, would completely undermine that delusional belief you have that you’re actually not an embarrassment. While I go to the theatre with Vanessa or a football game with my brother, you run amok through toy stores and sit in cellars drinking tequila and sobbing your eyes out. While I party with friends, you sit there with your new friend trying hard to impress him by making shit up.
He tilts his head back, a bark of laughter escaping his lips.
(Hans): Ah, how could I forget?
He leans in close to the camera, smirking in a self-satisfied manner.
(Hans): What was it you said Eddie? ‘I stand alone in a kingdom of nothing’. Why…
He covers his mouth with his hand in mock shock briefly.
(Hans): I do believe I said something along those very lines to you when you held the All-Star title! Could it be that you’re just repeating what I, a man who apparently just says the same boring things over and over again, has said? Can it be?
He trails off laughing.
(Hans): Ah Eddie, please, do try harder next time, ok?
He manages to reign in his laughter.
(Hans): On a different note, you might want to get some eye checks done on both yourself and your new friend. Not only were you both sitting far too close to that TV, but you both completely mistook some guy in the crowd for me! Look a bit closer and you’ll see me standing behind the mayor of New York, Vanessa at my side, and with Kylie Minogue and Jessica Simpson close by up on the stage.
He makes a quiet tutting sound, shaking his head from side to side before continuing.
(Hans): As for insulting my hometown? Yeah… real class there Eddie… I’m reminded of that time last year, when you somehow got onto the idea that my brother and I were turning Europeans against you and had a good old moan over nothing, and how you couldn’t quite comprehend how people favoured me over you. Well, there you go Eddie, yet another self inflicted reason why you’re dirt in the eyes of many people outside America.
He glances at his watch.
(Hans): Well, look at how the time flies, eh.
He winks at the camera.
(Hans): Try not to get too worked up over what I’ve said Eddie; we don’t want your heart acting up now do we? Not when you’ve got hearing and eyesight problems as it is…
The scene fades to black.
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