Into view of the camera walks Tobias.
(Tobias): Nice of you, monkey man to assume that I favor one spa above all others. Yes, I know I frequent them, yes, I’m incredibly guilty of taking care of my body, but if you think I go anywhere above all else, then I have a bridge to sell you.
As for the treatment. Seaweed wrap? Don’t be a cretin, parafango wraps are clearly the order of the day.
But, I wasted more of my time earlier watching you chirp away. You’ve insulted my intelligence and my choice of spa treatments? Wow…
So here I am, wasting more time.
The sound of the ‘urgh’ at the back of the throat is low and rumbling.
(Tobias): First up, and I quote, “As you can see I don't need a notepad to remember my promo but I know you're a little slow so I won't give you too much crap for that.”
One eyebrow raises, the facial expressions is that of someone who is very much unimpressed but also distinctly restrained.
The tone of his voice however, is like that of someone speaking to something that should be so obvious it’s painful.
(Tobias): No Monkey, no… it’s not because I’m slow. It’s just because you’re so, so, so mind numbingly boring and I needed something to get myself to sleep with. It was so much better than any other trick I’ve tried, counting sheep, listening to ASMR… buddy, you’re wasting your talents hunting vermin.
But what piqued my interest is the mock outrage you had to me and how they clashed with your own actions just next time out.
And I quote “There are two things I hate in this world and that's poachers and bullies to me they're one in the same.” Oh my, it seems we have a dash of hypocrisy here from Monkey man.
What else, ah yes… “Tobias doesn't hesitate to pick on someone that's obviously not a athlete. He's a coward, and I wouldn't hesitate to defend that man again.”
A mock scandalized look appears on his face, one hand going his chest as if in shock.
(Tobias): And here is you, Monkey, taking a wolf and f*ck knows what else from Noah’s Ark into that spa, terrorizing the ladies and other occupants, pissing away on the towels and intimidating them into silence while you shoot a promo… which you then use to boast about doing said acts…
Oh my Monkey, throwing stones in glass houses I see.
He tuts loudly, shaking his head from side to side, a look of superiority on his face.
(Tobias): When I don’t get the service I expect, I leave a one star review on Yelp. I don’t piss on the towels and let animals in off the streets.
He excavates the notepad from his back pocket, bringing it out and flipping it open.
(Tobias): Now before you get your panties all knotted Monkey at this notepad, this is a special moment. I’ve just had my first HWA bingo. You see, this place, the wrestlers in it, apart from being comically terrible with the odd exception and yours truly, they seem to have an absolute fascination with talking about the others lack of balls.
The pen is uncapped, and he makes a crossing motion over one bit of the page.
(Tobias): At first I thought it was Maniac just really really struggling to mask his sexual fantasies over the German, but no, turns out a lot of people here love talking about the lack of balls the other one has. So thank you Monkey, thank you for ticking that one off for me.
The notepad is flipped shut and placed back where it came from.
(Tobias): Now there was someone else I needed to speak to…
He snaps his fingers, recalling the person, if not the name.
(Tobias): Jacques! True meaning of the Reaper? What in god’s name are you on about? I don’t have the time or the crayons to explain this to you, but trust me, stay off camera and start getting good, ‘kay.
A further shake of the head and with a dismissive wave of the hand, he’s pushing past the camera as the scene fades to black.
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