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Posted by Tobias Clarke
on August 23, 2024, 10:19 am, in reply to "From news about David Hoff and interview with Wolfy and Maniac"
We’re in a spa, like others before, a non-descript and yet well apportioned spa.
Relaxing music is being piped in from speakers hidden from view.
Running water from a fountain feature showcases tranquility and encourages relaxation.
Sitting back in a wicker chair, white fluffy robe undone and draped to cover himself strategically is Tobias Clarke.
Behind Tobias, currently massaging one of his shoulders is a masseuse with a blank porcelain mask affixed to her, obscuring any discernible features.
Tobias waves a hand up and towards the masseuse working on his shoulders.
(Tobias): For her own safety, I’ve had to take precautions. Monkey is such a stalker afterall, I couldn’t possibly risk her wellbeing by letting her identity be known.
Whether the shudder that runs through him is revulsion or in response to the particular grip on his shoulder, who’s to say?
Being honest, it’s likely the first option though.
(Tobias): Having that mangy wolf run amok at that last one… no respect at all…
From off camera, he’s handed his note pad, already opened and ready to be read aloud from.
(Tobias): Now I had Markus here…
A small strangled cough from off camera indicating that that’s not the right name occurs, Tobias flashing a murderous glare in response to it before clearing his throat and carrying on.
(Tobias): Markus here took a bullet for me.
He waves him forward, the young man stepping into shot of the camera for a second, raising one hand in greeting towards it before being shoo’d back.
(Tobias): He had to listen to that 45 minute show and jot down what was said so I didn’t have to. If I’m going to be subjected to dealing with the dregs of the animal kingdom, then that’s one extra burden I don’t need right now.
He pats the opened note pad.
(Tobias): So here we are, ready to see what utter sh*t they’ve been talking about. Monkey and Mr Multiple Personalities… what a riveting show that must have been eh buddy, Martin, amirite?
Craning his head around to look at the person not called either of those names, he’s clearly not looking for actual engagement, and cuts off what he tries to say by just turning back round to the camera.
Looking down the text, he comes across the first thing that catches his eye.
(Tobias): HWA’s version of Deadpool and Wolverine?
Tilting his head back and completely throwing off the work of the masseuse, he erupts with laughter.
(Tobias): HWA’s real life versions of the Child Snatcher and whatever-the-f*ck his name is… that Patricia guy from that Split film. Pile of sh*t, don’t watch it.
The last line is said quite matter of factly, as Tobias espouses his film critique.
(Tobias): Next up, let me see… ‘like I accidentally made my dog cry’... oh now there’s a surprise buddy, you made a dog cry. Some f*cking animal lover you are. Such an act.
Another look of disgust follows, before this melts away as the masseuse adjusts her efforts to the back of his neck.
(Tobias): Maniac talking about some script that even George Lucas wouldn’t dream of using for Indiana Jones… ‘crazy son of a motherless goat’... I mean, it’s not the parentage I pictured for you Monkey, but it’s not that far off either… ‘my heart has always been in the right place, it's always been for the common good’...
He looks up again at the man off camera.
A finger jabs down at the written words.
(Tobias): Did he really say this?
Hearing affirmation at this, Tobias practically explodes.
(Tobias): What utter f*cking horses*it is this? Common good? This little wretched creep has stalked me, broken into my house and tried to drown me. And he’s sitting there with the gall to say ‘common good’.
He stares at the camera, lifting up out of his seat and points towards the screen.
(Tobias): Monkey, if your heart was in the right place, you’d do us all a favor and f*ck off!
Sitting back down, the masseuse gingerly starts the pressure up again, not wanting to trigger Tobias any further.
(Tobias): Absolutely unbelievable… urgh… right, let’s see… more Indiana Jones sh*t… more ‘oh woe is me, I hurt Matt and have to act like I care’... Monkey now creeping on Michelle… to no-one’s shock… Sean is like Butch? Oh no sh*t Sherlock.
Tobias makes a ‘duh’ noise, slapping the note pad with his free hand as he continues to read and comment.
(Tobias): More mumbo-jumbo… and then this…? Urgh, chica, if you’re having to listen to this… this projection that they’re putting on you. It’s so unbecoming. Hashtagmetoo, this is just sickening stuff. Speaking for you? Assuming what you’re thinking?
He taps his chest in solidarity with her.
(Tobias): I would never act towards you like what these two have been doing to you chica. I couldn’t ask for anyone better to help me kick the living daylights out of these hosers, with all their chirpin’.
His attention goes back to his notepad.
(Tobias): Jesus f*cking Christ Marvin, your hand writing is giving me epilepsy!
He looks up off camera.
(Tobias): Be better for f*ck’s sake! Urgh. Like, how am I to tell who’s actually saying what…
His expression softening, he concedes the next line.
(Tobias): I mean, I don’t blame you, pouring out a can of spaghetti hoops or something would make more sense than what they’re trying to say…
Another sigh as he forces himself to continue with the transcript muttering obscenities all the while.
(Tobias): ‘Shark muscle’, oh for f*ck’s sake… oh god I’m going to need to reach for the Clorox, they’re talking about f*cking a koala… mud bath…’mud bath’.
Looking very affronted, Tobias looks up and directly at the camera.
(Tobias): Listen cretins, you’ve not experienced life until you’ve been to Nha Trang and enjoyed the full on experience. They’re perfect for reducing tension… which I’m going to have if I have to read any more of this utter crap!
The masseuse pours fresh oil onto his shoulders, setting to work and relaxing Tobias enough for him to stand the thought of carrying on.
(Tobias): Urgh… more facts from Wikipedia from Monkey… news flash buddy, 10 people a year kill themselves from having to hear and see you on TV.
Having had enough, he throws the notepad off camera.
(Tobias): Listen up Monkey. You just keep telling yourself that I’m looking for a way out. Our first ‘match’, yeah…. I did you a favor. I took pity on you. You didn’t deserve to be in that ring with me then, you still don’t. I don’t need a tranquiliser gun to knock you out, when I lock you in, you going unconscious will be ‘Inevitable’ afterall. Or perhaps I’ll make you scream and try and fail to reach your stupid little fish loving buddy by locking you in a ‘Perfection’? Y’know, I’m spoilt for choice… because I’m spoilt for talent. Chica and I, we’re going to carve through you both. So what if that dumbass Professor I beat the other week had his way with you and gave you constant roid rage, you don’t know how to use it. You’re no wrestler, you’re a freak!
That smile of complete confidence and utter disdain mixed together appears.
(Tobias): It’s not arrogance when you’re this good Monkey. And I’m very f*cking good. You get to find that out for real at Havoc.
He snaps his fingers, the nameless assistant coming in off screen to hand a freshly chilled bottle of Evian to Tobias as the scene fades to black.
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