HWA Message Board: Spare Me

Open scene.

Into view comes Tobias.

Attired in training gear, he looks to be fresh from the gym and riding that endorphin high from the workout.

Or perhaps it’s at the thought of unleashing a verbal tirade at someone?

Either which way, he bounds up to the camera, smirking that superior smirk that he has.

(Tobias): Well well well… lookie here… man of the woods, sitting by a fire and eating some children’s snack that harkens back to the good ‘ole days of youth…

He pauses for a moment, as if realising something.

Leaning in, he phrases his next words as if a genuine question that he’s seeking the answer to.

(Tobias): You didn’t get them from Monkey’s little abduction bag, did you?

Waving one hand dismissively as if unconcerned for what answer would have been forthcoming had Maniac been there, he carries on.

(Tobias): Nevermind, creeps attract creeps. As for your little quip, ‘spa dwelling’, how observant… it’s nice to see that in your old age your eyesight hasn’t quite gone the way that your mental capacity has.

He does a thumbs down for emphasis alongside blowing a loud and obnoxious raspberry.

(Tobias): Anyway, let’s not kid ourselves here buddy, this whole ‘I’m in the woods’ shtick is as fake as everything else you do. You’ve got that sketchy-ass coach of yours parked over the other side of those trees and as soon as the cameras stopped rolling you high tailed it in there and did whatever the usual f*cking sh*t you get upto in there.

Y’know buddy, I’d put money down that as you’ll wake up tomorrow, be told by that lazy eyed cameraman of yours who… news flash… can’t keep anyone in shot for more than two seconds… it’s like a low budget horror flick from the 90’s every time he’s filming. Anyway he’ll come running in, try to be Mr Exposition and paraphrase because he’s too f*cking dumb to get it right. Your side chick who is one of the worst so called ‘reporters’ in this company will be all offended…

Hands up as if trying to placate he continues on.

(Tobias): Even when that’s me just spitting facts babe. Try spitting on someone’s dick who might be able to give you some journalism lessons? Be better, ‘kay.

He clasps his hands together.

(Tobias): Anyway, enough about your little crew and back onto you… I take back what I said earlier about your eyesight, it’s as f*cked as your ability to recite the alphabet from memory. I barely beat Flipper and the Nutty Professor? Buddy, what you saw was sublimity in action. Stop projecting and maybe also stop wearing so much makeup that goes into your eyes when you sweat… then you’ll see. Be better buddy, you’ll get the perfect chance at Havoc to do just that when chica and I demolish Monkey and his freakazoid friend.

Another dismissive wave follows along with a dramatic roll of the eyes.

(Tobias): And on that that note… all this slandering of my tag partner Erica? An…

The air quotes are out in force.

(Tobias): ‘ACTUAL DEMON’…

The sheer disbelief mingled with the scathing glance he throws at the camera speaks volumes to what he thinks of this.

(Tobias): Sure buddy, sure thing. What else, the sky’s really actually red and in this reality you’re interesting to listen to instead of just nauseating?

Another eye roll of epic proportions follows with alongside a groan of frustration akin to someone talking to a toddler.

(Tobias): And anyway, let’s not even get into the ‘f*cked, but not in a good way’ comment there… buddy, we’ve seen the inside of that coach of yours, we all know what kind of deviant sh*t you get upto. No thanks buddy, urgh.

But listen here, jokes aside.. although, I mean… you are a joke…

The shrug of the shoulders and the ‘know what I mean’ look on his face says it all.

(Tobias): But buddy, the truth is, you can’t be better. Sure, you lucked out and got me at Ringmaster, but next time out, when I get to focus on you and that mangy little get up you have going on… things will be different.

His right hand settles on his chest right above where his heart would be.

(Tobias): Because I’m better than you. In spite of all your little redemption arc and that retard buddy of yours that’s spent the last 20 years being a nobody cropping up, you’re not the future. You’re the past. You’re just clinging on for dear life trying to be relevant. What’s it this week? Ah, savior of the HWA.

Wrong buddy. That’s me.

Saving it from has-been’s like you.

So you beat me at Ringmaster? Yeah, because I carried you through the first round. You were dead weight. And just like dead weight, it’ll take a lot to get through that skull of yours and into the parts of your brain not f*cked over by drink, mental illness and just being a stupid c*nt.

So I’ll start here.

I’m the man that the younger you dreamed of, but could never achieve.

I’ve already cleared out Jamal… Jackson… whatever the f*ck his name was… he couldn’t cut it against me. Bonus, his whole redneck family f*cked off as well. Next up is Monkey and then it’ll be you old man. You’d better get all the greasepaint in the world, paint a big ole’ smile on your face because when I’m done with you, you won’t be able to crack a real one buddy, that’s for sure!

He walks off camera laughing, as the scene fades out to black.